i'm upset. my girlfriend chided me. my feeling of guilt and worthlessness was justified. She thinks I still have some kind of eating disorder. Was the fact that I purged a few days ago a mere aspect of a larger shadow, hidden to me.
I noticed earlier to the incident of my girlfriend upsetting me that my dietary intake and cooking output has changed. Since 15th Dec, when I found out I was rejected from the phd application, I felt like hiding from my housemates. One way to hide successfully from them is to avoid contact, or possibilities of contact with them. One way is to avoid spending too much time in the kitchen/living room. So, I made food that accords to that. Easy food.
I stopped and reversed the mental and emotional and dietary progress I had back towards the end of 08. I don't believe that this is a regression in the exact situation that I was once in. But this is a regression.
I'm upset at the way that she has treated me. Called me a freak, that my eating isnt normal, I'm a glutton, and other such things to that end. She calls me these things and yet says that she is not angry with me.
she hurt me. In a sense, she expresses the most hallowed and hurtful things that lay in the back of my mind and bring them right to my aware and conscious thought. I think that is only a good thing. I'm upset, I want to take it out on someone. I'm a statue, a work in progress. I need to chip away more at what excess marble is left. I used to believe I was going somewhere to some personal and intellectual standard and peak and ideal, until I was rejected from the PhD and I felt that the world is just absurd, without any real direction other than the ones that we make, and the ends that we are good enough at achieving, everything else is just sweaty failure.
estimated weight circa 205-212lbs
I used to be 160...
I noticed earlier to the incident of my girlfriend upsetting me that my dietary intake and cooking output has changed. Since 15th Dec, when I found out I was rejected from the phd application, I felt like hiding from my housemates. One way to hide successfully from them is to avoid contact, or possibilities of contact with them. One way is to avoid spending too much time in the kitchen/living room. So, I made food that accords to that. Easy food.
I stopped and reversed the mental and emotional and dietary progress I had back towards the end of 08. I don't believe that this is a regression in the exact situation that I was once in. But this is a regression.
I'm upset at the way that she has treated me. Called me a freak, that my eating isnt normal, I'm a glutton, and other such things to that end. She calls me these things and yet says that she is not angry with me.
she hurt me. In a sense, she expresses the most hallowed and hurtful things that lay in the back of my mind and bring them right to my aware and conscious thought. I think that is only a good thing. I'm upset, I want to take it out on someone. I'm a statue, a work in progress. I need to chip away more at what excess marble is left. I used to believe I was going somewhere to some personal and intellectual standard and peak and ideal, until I was rejected from the PhD and I felt that the world is just absurd, without any real direction other than the ones that we make, and the ends that we are good enough at achieving, everything else is just sweaty failure.
estimated weight circa 205-212lbs
I used to be 160...
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