I purged just a moment ago. It's only been about a month and a half maybe since the last time I purged, and before that, six months.
My dad was being difficult, not answering a simple question. I gave him the option of saying that he didn't know, but for some reason that confounds me, he would not even accept ignorance when I present it as an option for his persistance to answer. It was a minor issue. The subject then came up concerning my 'rent' and the fact that I'm living off of their money. I appreciate what they do for me and it came up in some kind of way, a sentence like: you aren't making any money and you have been living in that flat for ages and you are hardly even there...
I think that was my trigger. When it clicked, I didn't even notice, but I slowly and slwoly became more irate and upset, willing to just sit in silence and accide. I moved upstairs to a more solitary space. I then purged in the toilet. Vomit consisted of: spinach, toast, baked beans, fried egg, juice.
I went for a jog today, used the 'eco gym' near the park. Tried to do some chest preseses but only managed about 30-40 reps. It was excrutiating and I felt embarrassed at staying on that machine because there were lots of fitter and tougher guys there in groups working out together, and there I was with my belly and primark jogging bottoms with my unflattering primark grey shirt trying to do a few reps. I left partly in shame, and partly because my calves were very much in pain and near to a cramp. I paused for a while and when it eased, I jogged back home. I feel horrible. I hate my current situation.
I made this bed. I suppose I should lay in it.
My dad was being difficult, not answering a simple question. I gave him the option of saying that he didn't know, but for some reason that confounds me, he would not even accept ignorance when I present it as an option for his persistance to answer. It was a minor issue. The subject then came up concerning my 'rent' and the fact that I'm living off of their money. I appreciate what they do for me and it came up in some kind of way, a sentence like: you aren't making any money and you have been living in that flat for ages and you are hardly even there...
I think that was my trigger. When it clicked, I didn't even notice, but I slowly and slwoly became more irate and upset, willing to just sit in silence and accide. I moved upstairs to a more solitary space. I then purged in the toilet. Vomit consisted of: spinach, toast, baked beans, fried egg, juice.
I went for a jog today, used the 'eco gym' near the park. Tried to do some chest preseses but only managed about 30-40 reps. It was excrutiating and I felt embarrassed at staying on that machine because there were lots of fitter and tougher guys there in groups working out together, and there I was with my belly and primark jogging bottoms with my unflattering primark grey shirt trying to do a few reps. I left partly in shame, and partly because my calves were very much in pain and near to a cramp. I paused for a while and when it eased, I jogged back home. I feel horrible. I hate my current situation.
I made this bed. I suppose I should lay in it.
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