Antonia has been hassled by an old friend from the past, someone who I notably hate (I made videos, essays and songs about it); he found said essay and is messaging her on facebook. Antonia sent me the reply. It mentioned Marie. I saw her name between two dashes marking it out on the line of the reply
- Marie -
At that moment I felt she broke a hallowed trust and understanding. Antonia brought up her very existence. I want to forget Marie, she's a plight upon my life. I wish her the best, but on the other hand, I want to be as far away from her in my life as possible. She had such an impact upon me that to this day her name echoes in all my relationships.
In a sense I have failed as a man, in another more important sense I have failed to achieve any sort of symbolic rite of passage. I feel defamed, fraudulent, weak. Someone once told me that the only way to fail is to give up, which I have not done. I could satisfice, and do the minimal effort to realise what I want to happen, or I could pull my fingers and keep busy every day. Until just now for instance, I spent 3 minutes of writing this blog post with one foot with a sock on and the other just about to be put on, just waiting, procrastinating, feeling heavy. The effort is difficult but I must push on. Effort is my problem, that everything seems difficult to do, I know that I am slowly overcoming this, I brush my teeth almost every day, I more or less shave every day. I meticulously record data like financial transactions etc.
All of those little and seemingly obsessive things that I do are symbols of my constant struggle; the struggle of my lack of motivation. I feel such lack of motivation, such disinclination towards actions, that I must force myself to do it, I have an incentive of having it on my google calendar; it makes me feel a sense of achievement of all the things I have done in the day, so as I press 'publish' on this blog, I mark another task in my google calendar.
I am willing to change. Know me as someone who has made many mistakes, and I wish to know and correct them.
- Marie -
At that moment I felt she broke a hallowed trust and understanding. Antonia brought up her very existence. I want to forget Marie, she's a plight upon my life. I wish her the best, but on the other hand, I want to be as far away from her in my life as possible. She had such an impact upon me that to this day her name echoes in all my relationships.
In a sense I have failed as a man, in another more important sense I have failed to achieve any sort of symbolic rite of passage. I feel defamed, fraudulent, weak. Someone once told me that the only way to fail is to give up, which I have not done. I could satisfice, and do the minimal effort to realise what I want to happen, or I could pull my fingers and keep busy every day. Until just now for instance, I spent 3 minutes of writing this blog post with one foot with a sock on and the other just about to be put on, just waiting, procrastinating, feeling heavy. The effort is difficult but I must push on. Effort is my problem, that everything seems difficult to do, I know that I am slowly overcoming this, I brush my teeth almost every day, I more or less shave every day. I meticulously record data like financial transactions etc.
All of those little and seemingly obsessive things that I do are symbols of my constant struggle; the struggle of my lack of motivation. I feel such lack of motivation, such disinclination towards actions, that I must force myself to do it, I have an incentive of having it on my google calendar; it makes me feel a sense of achievement of all the things I have done in the day, so as I press 'publish' on this blog, I mark another task in my google calendar.
I am willing to change. Know me as someone who has made many mistakes, and I wish to know and correct them.
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