Typing perhaps cannot communicate the heaviness I feel. But sometimes, conveyance is not the reason I write; I seek expression, clarification, and most of all, acknowledgement.
I have a lot of flaws. Antonia, I realise, how much i care for her. In some ways, I feel like I am getting over Marie by realising the immanence of what Antonia is; Marie was always at an arm's length. I guess she didn't really want me. But enough about that. let's talk about me, and my faults.
my fault is that I have had a bad time writing essays. This goes back to my undergraduate days. I got most of my MA marks; most of them are just bare passes; in undergraduate degree terms, they are all 2:ii. In school I was always the C-student. What is the C-student? The C-studnet is the one people say could always do better, or the person who did their best and their natural ability was average at best. The person who is average, normal, regular, standard. In British society excellence comes as standard in good universities. Good jobs go to those with good degrees and good marks.
My fault is that I lack clarity and I fail to convey myself. My fault is that I am not humble enough. Today I have been broken as a man. Broken as a boy; made to be inhuman again. In a way, I come to expect this. To expect the struggles of life; just as Sisyphus pushes the boulder up the hill, must it come down again.
Antonia taught me about this kooky new-age thing, called affirmations. I like it. Sometimes, when you are so distraught; so depressed, so broken. The hardest thing to do, is to think positive. To say I can do it. To say I will survive. We are going to make it. Say it confidently, say it clearly, not weakly. Say it strong, say it loud. Say it tall, say it proud.
10.09.08
I have a lot of flaws. Antonia, I realise, how much i care for her. In some ways, I feel like I am getting over Marie by realising the immanence of what Antonia is; Marie was always at an arm's length. I guess she didn't really want me. But enough about that. let's talk about me, and my faults.
my fault is that I have had a bad time writing essays. This goes back to my undergraduate days. I got most of my MA marks; most of them are just bare passes; in undergraduate degree terms, they are all 2:ii. In school I was always the C-student. What is the C-student? The C-studnet is the one people say could always do better, or the person who did their best and their natural ability was average at best. The person who is average, normal, regular, standard. In British society excellence comes as standard in good universities. Good jobs go to those with good degrees and good marks.
My fault is that I lack clarity and I fail to convey myself. My fault is that I am not humble enough. Today I have been broken as a man. Broken as a boy; made to be inhuman again. In a way, I come to expect this. To expect the struggles of life; just as Sisyphus pushes the boulder up the hill, must it come down again.
Antonia taught me about this kooky new-age thing, called affirmations. I like it. Sometimes, when you are so distraught; so depressed, so broken. The hardest thing to do, is to think positive. To say I can do it. To say I will survive. We are going to make it. Say it confidently, say it clearly, not weakly. Say it strong, say it loud. Say it tall, say it proud.
10.09.08
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