Dissertation Coda

On the day that I was going to finish my dissertation, I got a phonecall; it was David. David is the guy I mentioned a few posts ago. David was a guy that I did my undergraduate degree with, we were together in the first year after he emailed me and said he wanted to live with me after I put up an ad in the university accomodation website.

David and I got on. We kind of were like Milhouse and Bart in the simpsons. Both of us didn't have many friends, one of us (David) didn't care, but I did. I was the one who always had the schemes and he was the one who silently wathced me as I failed (Barney and Fred). Both of us were like the classic duo of teen comedies, who both shared ineptitude with women and a little bit of downtroddenness.

Eventually I found that both David and Greg seemed to feed on my depression and feed it. They seemed to enjoy criticising me and I didn't want any part of that. So I avoided them.

I want to move on with my life , I thought to myself, over hte past year. And I successfully cut them out.

The end of my dissertation on the friday that I got it written up marked a Coda to our friendship.

I got a call from David on the friday, he made a fake story about wanting to meet me, siad there was a big conference coming on, he was also submitting his dissertation. I was kind of busy and not realyl a good host, I was meant to meet him by a unviersity building but I was busy finishing my dissertation. David then came over to my new place and he stood as he watched me finish off and print my Dissertation.

After that we went off to eat at a chippy, his favourite chippy in town. We ate cheap as usual and it was nice to talk to him again. We were civil, however, I kept my distance, he seemed to respect that.

What then happened at the end of the conversation was that he broke the awkwardness that I was trying to save face by hiding with.

"Why did you block me on facebook?"

I just lied. The most hurtful lie in the world. I just want to lay low for the time being. I dont want people knowing what I do all the time and things are pretty difficult these days. I didn't lie about that, but I wasn't honest that I blocked him. I should have told him:

I'm sorry David, but our friendship is over. We had some good times together but unfortunately I want to move on in my life in different directions to you, I feel like I am stuck in a rut if I stay around with you. I must leave you and your insults, but I will have some good memories. I'm leaving you for me.

After I left him and we separated, he was distinctly quiet after my 'lying'. I went off the sainsburys to buy some things for my visit to see Antonia. Guess who I was in front of in the queue; none other than my old housemate in the second year, and former best friend, Greg.

Greg told me that he is leaving for london (for good) and is starting a new job. Good for him, I said and I genuinely think its good. Greg, David and I lived together for a year. IT was a difficult year for my anxiety. I was not very well and, even though I'm not very well now, it was all very new to me at the time.

Depression. It takes time to learn how to cope. Even though the lessons don't end and don't get easier, you developp a bit of a thicker skin about coping with life. Some nights I feel as if my very sanity had ended, and the next day I wake, in the mist of despair, a new day, and hope. The experience was unforgettably painful, but my life goes on, another day passes, and perhaps things won't be so bad, for a week or may be a month, until the next bout.

I have to accept what I have become. My old friends have left me, or perhaps I left them. Improvement comes by cutting off the corrupted good things that could turn into the bad. I lost two good friends. As I said my goodbyes to Greg, although it wasn't a permanent adieu. I took the bus and went to see Antonia, my girlfriend.

Life isnt' a happy ending, but sometimes, just standing to the last bow is the only victory.

I went 15 rounds with that Masters. But I don't feel proud. I'm dirt poor, I've lost my friends, I have been tortured endlessly and I have diminishing doctoral prospects.

This is the future, and I struggle. I struggle not only to live, but to accept and embrace the now.
I want to do a PhD.

I need to do a PhD.