Conformism

There is a large group of people who are standardly of university age (18-21) have a very odd inconsistency about them. Not everyone is like this, but most people.

It looks as if people these days are brought up, have a distinct allocated period of being rebellious and having fun, and then, knuckle down and become part of the adult world. I kind of understand what Marie felt now. Marie felt like she was suffocated by a world where magic was lost; if everything is knowable, and everything eventually becomes known; the old magic is somehow lost.

I saw this as an abhorrent view when I first met her nearly a year ago. I thought what she meant was that we should enforce purposeful ignorance to save space for magic in the world and the unknown. Perhaps she would not admit it, but what I really think she meant was that she wanted a world where there was still wonder and awe at the littleness of our humanity, and the grand mystery of the natural world.

My parents think that I am rebellious because of my long hair. I am not really rebellious in the James Dean kind of way. I just want to be an academic and sometimes I like to intimidate professional non-academics who think they know more than an academic. (That's fair, right?)

My parents think eventually I will become like everyone else, get a job, cut my hair, and clock on like everyone else.

I don't want ot live that way.

On the other hand, I don't want to live in poverty. I want to be supported financially. I want to be an academic. I want to have a PhD.

That's always been my priority.

Or is it?

Maybe I deserve if I don't get a PhD. Maybe I deserve it cos I was focusing on running my support group, getting angry and hoping and holding out that something would happen with Marie.

In a lot of ways I think realising that I have feelings for Antonia happened by letting go of Marie. Marie is so unique and delicate, strong and fierce yet tortured. I saw a bit of myself in her. I would be attracted to her because I feel so much like her.

Sometimes people get together because of the circumstances. People at uni or school become sweethearts cos they are in proximity all the time. Sometimes just being in the right place with a person with no one around for a long time leads to that one thing lead to another syndrome. God, life sounds like a bad porno movie.

Whatever happened to true love? I dunno. I don't think I care anymore. A big part of me has just stopped caring about things. Morality, justice, pleasure, happiness.

Slowly I just feel more and more numb. Slowly, I feel more of myself dying. I'm not sure I really care that much. I used to, but I just let go....

let go....