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Today has been a good day by many accounts; I emailed the bigwig professor in the department, who will meet with me in a few days to talk about my PhD proposal...oh my God that is big!

So, I felt a little emotionally drained today from building up to that. I did it right in the morning as well.

Okay; so I lie down in the afternoon for a while cos I felt a bit giddy. Now I get up, about 4pm; get the laundry out of the washing machine. I find it such a chore, such a heaviness about trying to get up and do something so small, move my shoes to look neat on the floor, pick up all the mess to tidy my desk.

When I look at my desk, I despair at how many things are on it, and I think about doing it, and thinking about tidying it makes me feel a bit more stressed, and eventually, I get the courage to tidy up my desk; then put the clothes in my cupboard (also note: I have very few clothes because having lots of things make me anxious. It's a chore to get out of bed, get out of the door, go into the laundry, get the clothes out, walk back with this heavy load, worried about who I might bump into, if I have small talk with the friendly international students.

I am busying myself with very irrelevant but tasks that are on my calendar; one task I had to do just now; vacuum my room (there is lots of hair and dirt on the floor!). As I got the vacuum out of the kitchen; I just got a trigger-thought; of Marie not talking to me anymore. I miss her so much, and my life seems so empty without her, and part of me feels, that I cannot accept that life has to be this way; I cannot accept that she is gone, I don't talk to her at all anymore, and that she's not around, and that I must live the rest of my life without her.

As I picked up the vacuum, I thought to myself; after I finish this job; I will purge. I will let Mia give you some strength, Mia will give me some strenght to cope, Mia is giving me a lovely lovely drug, that drug of the feeling, the feeling of coping; coping with life, coping with the future, coping with being alone and most of all, coping with life without Marie, knowing that someone so beautiful and wondrous exists.

I wonder if she is happy now. If she is, that's good; but, in a way, it doesn't affect my mood any less or more if she were. Because I'm not a part of her life anymore.

WHen I feel distressed, I fantasise about the comfort of purging. I ate about like 5 hours ago now...but still maybe there is something in me...maybe there is something left to lose.

I have only my PhD to look forward to, and that's gonna be hard cos I don't have any money.

I am listening to a song right now; and there was a phrase...Strike while the iron is hot. That phrase is a trigger. Why? Because the doctor said that when I was incarcerated. Oh God...another trigger.

I've decided right now; instead of purging after I clean up. I'm going to the gym...

I'm gonna go to the gym and push myself until there is no more in me. Push myself and think about Marie, think about her with other guys, having sex, falling in love, all living a life of happiness without me, and maybe the distress will turn into strenght to push my muscles as I push those weights. I am going to transform my body...I don't know why, I don't even know what I want to achieve...but something in me is telling me; its either this agony of weight training in the gym...or purging.

I can't reason about it; my reasoning is that purging is better...

I'll make myself a promise...after I've worked the shit out of my body...I'll purge.

Can't say fairer than that, right?

But...why should I not purge? it seems so spurious to my motivational set, seems so...alien to my desires, to my inclinations, to my future wants....this feels alien to me to not purge, to fight mia...

I don't want to.

Maybe this is what Marie would have wanted me to do? I feel like...maybe she'd want me to stop purging...but I don't want to

Antonia made me say to myself. I am willing to change.

I'm distressed as fuck.

I'm off to the gym, see ya...