My body

I haven't been purging as much. I just don't eat very much anymore.

I have lost nearly 60lbs since september 1st 2007. The day that I started purging.

I am 176.8lbs. My body looks different.

I can see bony parts when I move my neck, I feel the bony parts of my hips on the side of my waist. I am starting to see my ribs. My legs, which have always been muscular, are looking more defined.

I can see a little bulge in my bicep. My Tricep is really bulging, but that's mainly to RSI. I can see more variance in my body than thus ugly gluttony that I used to have. I kind of feel more attractive, but also, more empty, empty that I must throw up, starve myself, that some part of my is dying, crying out for help, crying out to express this pain.

My eyes burn as the water comes out when I purge, sometimes the toilet water splashes back on my face as I ate the oily, yet delicious £1.09 bacon and cheese turnover sold in the somerfield near my uni. I love those oily pastries. I purge when I eat them, as the oil disagrees with me. I try to eat light. Although if I ate a little, or moderate amount, I would feel hungry.

Do I know when to stop eating? My answer is 'no'. Despite that I eat a little and feel starvation, that is because otherwise when I am full I actually feel more-than-full, then purge. I have to eat under what I need or want to not purge; better to feel the overbearing lust for food, and hunger, than the gluttony of purging and eating too much (or just enough).

I like to feel around my body, explore myself, as I realise the body I have is 'new'. I do not know the nooks and crannies that I used to have. My breasts have reduced in size, but still exist, I still have a belly. Although now it is just a pudgy thing than a full blown fat bastard look.

I wonder how fat I was when I started this all. I sometimes take pictures of myself, my face, my belly, pictures of my fleshy body from time to time to compare how my size has changed.

I push my belly as far out as possible, and then I look at myself. Look at this, this is the fattest you currently are. Maybe one day if I push out my belly there won't actually be any movement there at all.

I feel more attractive having lost this weight. Yet I feel the desire to resist the overeating is difficult. Even if I don't purge, and eat normally; I will still have the lust for food.

God is cruel; to give us the desire for such beautiful things, yet they make us fat. Moderation? You may say.

To have a crumb of the most beautiful gateaux is no satisfaction, it is like having a cuddle from Marie, or a gentle word from her, to feel her hand against mine only briefly. To feel the possibility of her, to feel the hope, to smell her, feel her cold, soft hand, hold her body against you. It is a nightmare, a taunting. I cannot have her. I should not eat all of this gateaux.

One slice? But it will end! I want the whole gateaux, and then I want custard, and mince pies, and more, and MORE!

THE DESIRE WILL NEVER STOP! EVERY DAY IS A CONSTANT STARVATION. Moderation is just another word for starvation, starvation of the most perfect fulfillment of our corporeal desires.

The most perfect fulfillment of my corporeal desire, to have all that food. It is bad for me, cholesterol, obesity, diabetes...those are all social ills

However; the most perfect fulfillment of my lonliness...why is that so wrong to have? Maybe it isn't wrong, but. I can't have her.

After my post earlier, Marie came on MSN and said she saw my message, but the phone was off at the time so it was late.

Marie said that she wants me to call her when I feel desperate, that she wants to help, and that I shouldn't hesitate to contact her when I felt bad. She said, "I want you to know that I'm here for you", she said, "I care".

I have a very special friend. I've never had a female friend who cares about me in this way. Even if it won't amount to what my heart wants of her. I am happy I have such a lovely friend that cares about me. I like feeling cared about, and she is beautiful.

Have I eaten a slice of an emotional Gateaux, by being her friend? That is, my perennial question.