God's providence

Today; I had a deadline for 1/3rd of my MA degree.

I basically had an anxiety attack earlier. I'm crippled by exhaustion and fear.

I called a few people, and they have helped me get an extension.

I called the GP, who was not very supportive in tone, nor helpful in manner; but gave me the necessary letter of illness that I need.

I also called the student advisor of the student's union; she contacted the department secretary to ask for an extension (because I'm scared of the secretary).

I got called back from the student advisor, who told me that the secretary will give me a 7 day extension and its okay for me to extend my essay deadline. I am so relieved. I was about to kill myself if I failed.

I felt so lonely, so isolated, so anxious. I had never felt such terror; except for one time before my research methods exam in second year undergrad (ironically I was in a similar anxiety position, but i was strong enough to take the exam...and get a first class); and, when I was incarcerated...

I failed in some way, today.

On another note; I, in my desparation for support, gave Marie a text asking if I could call her, because I felt a great deal of distress...I haven't yet heard from her.

I wonder if God knows that I suffer. Does he will this? Or, if he doesn't will it, how does he square with himself knowing that I suffer, and so many others feel pain.

It's funny; I don't think of God when I feel independent, but when I am the subject of the whim of disaster; I beg him for mercy.

I don't think I have made things right with God; well, firstly because I am part of the atheist society at university.

I wanted to be a priest once. Christianity had deep significance for me once upon a time...

I failed. I couldn't meet the deadline because I can't work all the time. Why don't I work enough? Because I feel depressed, because I feel lonely, because I feel anxiety, because I have commitments to things I organise.

If God were in front of me now; I would ask him; why do I suffer?

In some way I could accept my own responsibility for that; its my fault I have mental illness, its my fault I am a coward, its my fault I'm ugly and fat.

On the other hand, maybe God is punishing me. It is humanity's distance from God; Adam's curse, the sins of our seminal ancestors that we experience mental illness, rejection, shame, and the pain of childbirth...well, that's what my old upbringing would tell me.

I feel so much pain, suffering, lonliness. I long for Marie, not so much out of desire, but out of need. She's the only one who really knows how I feel (without this being an anonymous blog). I have feelings for her which I suppose she cannot return.

Sometimes I think what others must think of me...who is the real me?