Today I feel miserable. Even if I have a future; what kind of future would it be? Will I ever find someone to love? Someone who loves me? Particularly, a satisfaction of BOTH conditions! I love somone already, and someone loves me. But they aren't the same person (fuck!).
I'm a horrible person for not being able to return Antonia's feelings. I feel slowly torn and constantly in a pendulum of hope and despair about Marie.
The emotions are indeed a strange entity. The sweetest joys, and the most savoury of disgust.
I'm on my own. What if I do a PhD in a place where I make no friends? What if I have no one to look out for me?
I think that's the case now. What I want right now is to not be alone; and to be with someone who knows who I am, and what I go through. I am going to fall asleep on the floor; like the pathetic worm I am. I'm too tired to do any academic work tonight...
I feel so much disappointment in myself. I've let everyone down, especially...I can't even say their name, in such shame I have.
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