My faults as a person

My faults as a person:

1. I am jealous. I find it difficult to accept that other guys flirt with Marie; and that there is so much more to her life. I have to accept she has her own life and that I should not, and cannot make any claim to her life, or how she spends her time, or with whom.
2. I am lazy; I don't read enough, I always leave things to the last minute
3. I am angry; I find it difficult to control my feelings sometimes
4. I am sexually perverse. I thought about getting closer to this one girl who I met since the start of last term; she and I get along quite well, and she makes occaisional 'aww' gestures to things I say. I think sometimes that she is a lovely person, and she and I are alike in little ways; like being a bit geeky, shy, and bookish. I thought about sitting closer to her or moving physically closer to her when talking and listening to her. I thought that she was a nice girl and that I'd like to be close to someone who is open and similar to me
5. I am hurtful; I turned down Antonia
6. I am a coward; I have my own issues of intimacy and fear of closeness, irrespective of whether or not Marie does get close to me
7. Marie once said to me that I am not helping her by complaining about myself. That means I can't tell her about the feelings I have when I feel low, or down, or lonely. I'm on my own...
8. Marie comes to me to talk, expressing her fears and her sadness. I listen, and tend to her. I am too scared to do the same; I am too frightened to tell her about my lonliness, she does ask, but I can't do it without initiative. I have less doubts that she will be close to me in the way that I yearned for. She spoke of wanting to love, or wanting to trust someone; that it is much better to have someone know how she feels, than being alone. I wonder if the person she spoke to me about is me; if, as she described, the person she wanted to be closer to was me; or is it some other guy? Probably the latter. I'm not the hero of the story of life, I never get the girl; what do I get? Just more antidepressants and a bad grade in an essay.

I want to die.