Marie (Redux); and recent events

A couple of days ago; Marie started talking to me again. Again, I realise that it was my overreaction and misinterpretation of her behaviour that construed in my thinking that she was angry at me; although she probably was angry at me; she had good reason; you see, she was having a difficult time with family during her Christmas period.

Something has happened as regards something she told me that brings back very bad memories; in fact, perhaps one of the common difficulties of these days consists in the fact that I get a loto f bad memories; the feeling of rejcetion, different, isolation, and disgust from others. The feeling of just being a bureaucratic object, a piece of paperwork that needs to be signed and sent off, before the manager looks at it and posted before 5pm...I hate this work environment hwere people are merely insturmental commodities...so does Marie...

Marie told me that one of the things that makes her feel lonely, and dirty inside, is how she gets a lot of male attention, because she is very attractive. I see how the guys are all sleazy, and overtly sexual around her; it makes me anxious, always overt sexual behaviour has made me anxious...

Marie...she's having a difficult time; but I think she is comforted by the fact that she has someone to talk to (I assume she meant me when she said that...perhaps someone else...maybe...); It's important that she has someone she can talk to; someone she can trust. The question is, if she was referring to me; can she trust me?

I don't think she can; I'm just as bad as the other guys. Part of me desires her, I desier her to hold me, to get closer to her and know the nuances of what makes her, her. I want to know her, as the more I learn about her, the more my curiosity and amor is evoked; the more I learn about her, the more I feel a sense of exhilaration and vindication of my own eccentricities; it is as if I have found a female version of myself; we both don't belong...perhaps we could not belong...together?

This is bad thinking, I told myself. It is more important that Marie gets better, and her wellbeing is far more important than mine. I must put aside, nay, disregard my own desires about her and myself, entirely if I am to be of any trustworthiness to her. I don't think she will want to be with me either. I record all the compliments she has of me in my mind; she says such nice things about me; recently, a lot of people have been complimenting me, mainly people who I don't really know sso well, or for very long; and two of my bestest friends are not talking to me anymore...

A lot is changing, inside myself, for Marie, and my relationships with others. I want Marie to be okay; and that should be my most prominent wish; my wellbeing is insignificant to hers. She is perfect, beautiful, sensitive, and she has this childhood sense of wonder that I fear is dying away; the sense of hope and awe for the world that is crushed when we become adults...just like how I was crushed.

If i make the provisional assumption she is in some way, in any way like me; I would want to do anything to make it different for her than what happened to me; even if there are no similarities between us atall, and I am mistaken; I want her to get better, I want her to be happy...but I have a very perverse and dark desire...

Part of me desires her to stay this way, so that she may get closer to me and I could get closer to her. THIS IS WRONG!!! Yet my animistic desires think of it as comforting...to me. What a perverse animal I am to even feel this; we all have fantasies, or desires, wishes, or even thoughts that are violent, sexual, weak, or cowardly, but often we disregard them. I am shocked to the core that I admit to myself that I would like to have her closer to me at the cose of her not improving. I think the more noble thing is to be her friend, first and foremost. And I should actively deny my desires for her. I'll try to purge them out of me...I want her to be okay. I have to accept that I can't have her, and that I will have to see her being happy with someone else one day; someone far superior to me, someone that makes me look like nothing...and feel like nothing...all over again.

Its hard having the bad memories and trying to help her at the same time. On the plus side, she is a bit willing for me ot help her; especially in some practical ways I suggested. I'm now devision some plans to help her organise her day...

I hope I am brave enough to sacrifice my desire for her wellbeing. This challenge is between my desire for her wellbeing, and my own selfish desire to have someone...although not always incomaptible, I need her foremost to be okay...