Closer?

Sometimes I get closer to Marie; things happen which I've never experienced. She was feeling very bad recently, and I listen to her, I don't know the answers to her problems, but she says that just listening to her, and understanding is of great appreciation to her.

Marie is having a difficult time; but, she tells me from time to time that she is there for me if I need her.

We talked for a long time today through IM. I told her about my difficulties, I had a very difficult day. We shared the lack of hope, we shared the pessimism; and she said such wonderful things about me; about my work to help others with depression, my academic record.

What a pendulum my life is; from the feelings of hopelessness about Marie, to the prospects of hope with her. I shouldn't ride on this unstable rollercoaster; but I do want her to be okay, I need her to be okay.

I've never experienced this before, to call not only the attention of a perfect girl, but to help her in a very special way. She's taken me to a very special place inside myself; but most of all is important is my calm.

I'm so confused. I told Marie about my date with Antonia. Marie said that I deserve to have emotional stability in my life, and that I turned down Marie for the reason of fear.

Sarah, who commented on my last post. You are right. I did choose to be alone when I turned down Antonia. but to hold her, I felt odd, I couldn't kiss her, my lips were not prepared to touch hers. It didn't feel right, I couldn't feel as open, as intimate, as myself as when I am with Marie.

That is something that tortures my mind; to say no to Antonia, a sensual, sensitive, smart, entreupreneurial, and sexy woman. Antonia is many men's sexual fantasy, let me assure. Antonia was once an emotional fantasy I had a year ago; of that tenderness with sexual contact.

I am a bastard, I have an offer of one girl's heart, and turn her down, I long for the prospect of being close to Marie. Marie is like a twin that I never knew existed...