It's 4am and I have a lot of things to get on with so I'll be quick.

This week has been amazing.

The Sentinel won awards for something that I was integral towards. It was amazing and I went to an awards ceremony. The woman who won a very important award gave a shout out to me because I gave her the chance to work for the newspaper. It's suddenly solidified the reputation that I have.

On Monday I had a workplace appraisal. Management, plus my line managers and people in my management structure generally (other editors) all say that I am a paragon. I represent the ideals and values of the company and I have immense integrity.

Added to that, after the appraisal, award winning woman told me that she won an award, emphasising how valued I am as an employee. I felt it go to my head and I bought a pimped out costume for the awards ceremony.

It's gotten a bit to my head and I feel very uncomfortable.

My mind goes back to 2006-2007 when I ran the depression support group online. People would say I'm amazing or I'm a hero etc. When I shut down the group I felt like I'd never have anything like that again. It so turns out that I would do something amazing again. Yet I feel uncomfortable. I think there's something about being a hero that means I need to have some distance to the people who seemingly venerate me. Those are the same people who I happen to be close with, getting close with or want to get close to.

Last week after the awards ceremony, I walked home with a beautiful older woman. The older woman was a PhD and did some scholarship exactly in the area in which Awards winning woman worked in. Basically I was doing the real world application of what her PhD was in. That felt a bit heavy. Also, I felt really drawn to her. It felt hormonal, natural and right. Being a paragon and wearing my work identity doesnt allow me to be romantically or emotionally close to anyone else.

I've made some decisions since the awards. I think I'll avoid some people. I'll avoid family over Christmas and I'll avoid work colleagues and not go to every workplace party I'm invited to. I was invited to the pride group, the art team, the features team, the opinion team and the PA/administrators network. I might just go to 2 of those.

In other news: there's a piece on spotify that I've discovered that really gets into my soul: it's a bit from Faure's requiem. It feels so spiritual and peaceful.

I better get back to some shit..

also I've lost a bit of weight due to being so active this week. I'm hoping I'll be skinnier by the time onesie sunday comes next week.