Dear Diary,

It's sunday night/monday Morning.

On paper everything for sunday went by swimmingly. I woke up to go to the gym. I overate on saturday but that gave me more in the tank. I also performed really well at the gym. I did heavy bag, weights, I hit my walking targets and exceeded them, plus I didn't gas out until about 6pm, which I guess is my usual... all the same I nearly hit 6000 kcal.

I've had a good amount of energy upon going home and I managed to get all my non priority schema tasks done. I have just finished my weekly review on time. I had a backlog of about 14 weeks a while ago, but I'm now on top of it.

I think I'd just end my day before trying to go to sleep, by looking at the 'on this day' anniversaries this week:

• 2018 - I went to see Marvel Station with my buddies. I also got a diary for 2019 and we had shitloads of food in the local restaurants after
• 2018: saw creed II
• 2018: Went to Marvel Station with my pal mun, that time was as a press event
• 2018: got a vacuum cleaner present for my parents; bought a John Henric pair of suspenders. Which I still have by the way. 
• 2016: Saw Royal Orchestral society play in Cadogan hall, a guy from my gym plays cello there. Gosh was that 3 years ago??
• 2015 Did a lot of black friday shopping, reflecing the first time I've had a significant increase in income
• 2015: saw the klitchko fight, then things got out of hand...friends drank too much
• 2015: Handover with Ingrud at the magazine. Ingrid was the editorial assistant on the magazine that I used to do shifts for. I was booked on last minute as she was going away.  Then Gemma left (original assistant) and I took both of their jobs.

26 November 2015: that was the moment when I got the call to cover for at least a month on the magazine. A few weeks later, cover on both the magazine and the art section. I was just happy to have a regular gig with 2 day weeks. 

At that period of time I was really into the album by Black Sabbath called The eternal Idol. It was during the period of time when Tony Martin was the singer. It is an obscure era of Black Sabbath history and he's considered the least popular singer in sabbath. That album really pumped me up and it reflected a period of time and a state of mind inside me of: yeah, I've got things to do, I've got motivation and I've got a sense of purpose now.

Little did I know what would eventually happen. All the same, it felt like a good Christmas (if I only could remember it). I felt like things were improving for me. I also felt like I needed to step up everything in my life as I had to think seriously about my routine and think about being serious about going to the gym and not avoiding it on work days. I felt like so many situations for which I've rehearsed in my mind have finally played out, and boy, did they. 

Late November 2018: there was the Creed film plus there was marvel station, socialising, plus Christmas parties (I had about 4-5 different teams). I felt like I was living my insta best life during December. Of course in Christmas and New Years there was the socialising, plus the annual bbq with the boys and World's Strongest Man! All of those things I loved but the thing that really really really pumped me up was: AQUAMAN. I was really into the aquaman film, I am still really into aquaman and I really really loved just seeing aquaman so many times with so many different friends and I felt like this was a movie for me and finally this was my time. I was genuinely happy during December 2018.

Then it passed. It wasn't that I was sad that it passed, it just didn't keep going with the socialising and the movies and hte aquaman. Eventually Aquaman stopped showing in cinemas, the ads got replaced and life moved on. I still pass by the billboards where I saw Aquaman and think of Aquaman. Life went on. Let's digress to a previous Christmas.

2005 or 2006 (I think it was 2006 ed it was 2005 because 2006 was my hospitalisation year). My depression and weight gain and incelish nature were still in their peaks but I was still happy around Christmas. Happy to see my friends, happy to be London me and not Bristol me who was ...someone I had a troubled relationship with. I had my friends and we had Christmas and lots of fun and drinking and dancing (which I don't care for now). I remember as New Years eve ended I felt the sudden realisation that the party was over. 

My depression came back. It was a fight. For 2006 could be summarised thusly: January down. February- May: getting better. June: good. July: okay. August good. September: good-to-decline; October: serious decline: November: (don't want to discuss); December (don't want to discuss but it was bad...).

Writing about this, and memorising, putting this down to words on a screen feels therapeutic. The other thing I haven't realised was that my Bristol Self was different to London Self. Also: my 2004 pre-uni self was different to the uni self. I should write about that at some point. 

I haven't written in this length for ages. Or really not introspected within myself very much.

My bedroom is full of books. I work near the book magazine so we get lots of free books. But the unexplored books are metaphorical to the unexplored texts, meanings, metaphors and meanderings of the mind of unprocessed memories, feelings and events.

That moment in 2015 when I got full gear to work at The Sentinel. I don't really feel like I had taken a break since then. Perhaps I should spend deliberate time to just write in my conatus blog. Time to express myself. I live in these words as I don't really feel like I live in my life.