2007 December 1

My mind goes back to it around midday on this sunday just passing.

Why?

It was Eva's birthday. She invited me to her birthday party. I got her a card and present and it was intimate and heartfelt. Eva kissed me a numver of times, sat on my lap but I learned it was performative. I still pause and feel the intense longing for her. Eva had other guys who were into her, other guys who she was sexual with that I later learned about. It was university I should have known better.

I felt and wrote and thought so much about that period after it happened, and a year after. But not so much now. And yet I still feel things. A couple of my songs in my spotify playlist are solely about my memories relating to that period of time and her.

Eva.

I still remember. She must be 30-31 now. God damned!

I remember 2007 Christmas. I met Phil P I think for New Years. He had a girlfriend who was in first year at uni and she seemed nice. I wasn't very happy inside myself and I got thrown out of the club for walking funny (probably seemed drunk or drugged). I lost my space pen and the bouncer told me to fuck off. I felt down and I internalised that resentment. I felt like I didn't belong.

Oh I forgot until just now: I was purging around that period of time.

Purging.

Haven't said that word in a while.

Purging

Gosh. It sounds so powerful to hear it.

I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to respond to the person I was back then.

I feel that aspiration, how I wanted to soar to the stars.

I'm not that person anymore. and I don't know how to cope with that. I have brought myself down to the real world. My job at work is to help others soar but never myself. Or perhaps, I soar when I help others soar. I soar when I make it my reputation to help others in an industry with major representation problems.

Anyway.

I think I am done thinking about Eva and December 2007.

That's rumination. I just let myself think about it now.

Now I get on with my life, in December 2019. I'm a cartoon editor now. Not a graduate student trying for a PhD...I never got that PhD.

Good night.