At the moment I am in a strange point where I have completed a whole lot of reading tasks and little tasks I've meant to do. I've cleared up a big chunk of my schedule for today, yesterday and tomorrow and while I'm not 'ahead' as such, i do feel like I've cleared up enough of the activity to merit some kind of pat on the back. With that in mind, I've asked myself a question that I dont normally ask these days: what have you done this week passed?
Well, according to my records my week consisted of:
Perhaps enough time has passed. My counsellor seems to suggest with her wording. I need to keep in mind that the next two weeks will not involve counselling. That's a bit of a relief for my wallet, although my shifts for this coming month mean that I just about make ends meet with the hours that I'm working. I have just about enough money to pay for counselling and gym. Is counselling working to sort out my head? I think in some ways it does. I find it odd to open up to a person, especially a woman (and a cute young blonde one at that) in a counselling context but I'm slowly getting over that boundary. I've found that the harder feelings to express are the ones that really show me for who I am.
I talked about Marie, the support group and the person I used to be for them. In many ways I liked that person. I was caring, I was dedicated and naively idealistic. I've certainly changed since then. Around the time of my MA, my sister was newly married and just about to announce her pregnancy. In this present time my sister is pregnant for a second time, my nephew is going to be three years old later this year (he's also a brat, he's passed the cute stage unfortunately). Life has changed a lot and yet I distinctly feel that since I've finished my Masters, i've not found any chances to persevere and show my true colours to the world. I'm confined by the economic limitations of oppurtunity and a world which values the entirely wrong things. In some ways I've learned to live with it.
But lately, during this past week, since tuesday (when I talked about mia in counselling), I've had these imaginary figures walking next to me or looking at me. I know they aren't real, I know they are imaginations. I know that I'm making them up in my head, but I feel like I need to imagine there's some external mental presence there. There are two people. One of them is me, or rather, a version of me. This version of me wears a smart white shirt, he wears a long jacket and black trousers with smart oxford shoes. His hair is tied back and he wears thick black rimmed glasses. He's elegant and nice and shows many positive attributes. His very existence as he walks beside myself indicates some form of judgment on myself, or some kind of support. I imagine him because he supports me. at the moemnt he's sitting on my bed, I suppose reminding me that I have a day tomorrow and I should sleep.
There's another person I imagine around me, I imagine her talking to me, and sometimes I try to ignore her. I can't trust her, but what she says seduces me. In many ways she's like what Marie became for me. Marie was the seduction, marie was the emotional betrayal. Marie may well have never existed for the purposes of what she's come to symbolise for me in this woman who is constantly by my thoughts. Mia. Lately I've started to think about purging, it's just light thoughts. I think the trigger came when I said during counselling how everything changed when I started purging, and it got better, but just as quickly as it got better, it got worse again and I went back to my old self. I thought that I was rid of my old self, I even symbolically stopped wearing my watch from the past. Eventually last year the battery of my new watch died, so I had to resort to the old watch.
Everything about me that mia gave, was taken away when Antonia dumped me. My journey since my dumping has become an embrace of single life and an attempt to redefine myself. How am I doing? I'm not quite sure how to answer that. Am I different now than to how I was compared to 2008 when mia had control over me, or 2009 when I had a girlfriend, or late 2009 when I became 'the old me' again, and the nightmare realisation of the fact that I wouldn't get into a PhD and just even a job would be good dawned upon me?
I feel terribly lost in my life. I hate that I have to constantly apply to jobs and that the competition is so bad that I keep getting rejections. I dont have a hell of a chance ins htis bloody interview I have next week, why the fuck do I still torture myself with this. A line of thought like this makes mia's phantasm (that term is a reference to an Aristotelian term) more concrete.
Mia's influence lately has grown, from a whisper to a word. Will mia's word find incarnation? That's up to me. I felt pretty close on friday.
This is a longer post than usual. I thought I'd end by sharing a song that has been in my head for this past week. Ghost by Ladytron (my music interests are getting more diverse than heavy metal)
Ladytron - Ghosts [Official Music Video]
Well, according to my records my week consisted of:
- Three social calls: I went to visit a neighbour, I went out with a couple of friends and my brother came over to visit
- Job applications: Three job applications sent
- Interview - this involved a lot of interview preparation in terms of paper forms, as well as the long task of purchasing a countersignatory form from my GP
- Fitness: I had a personal trainer session and I went training a second time as well. I wanted to do a third session but my brother came over unexpectedly on Saturday and Sunday things went a little longer than planned
- Walking: I walked about 31miles this week. The longest recorded amount of walking in my records. It also means that since Saturday my butt has been sore as well as my lower thighs
- Other things: I have played a bit too much xbox this week, spent a bit too much on food and I've re-arranged an interview. I've also organised my shifts for March and made some effort to tidy up the house and maintain order in the living room.
Perhaps enough time has passed. My counsellor seems to suggest with her wording. I need to keep in mind that the next two weeks will not involve counselling. That's a bit of a relief for my wallet, although my shifts for this coming month mean that I just about make ends meet with the hours that I'm working. I have just about enough money to pay for counselling and gym. Is counselling working to sort out my head? I think in some ways it does. I find it odd to open up to a person, especially a woman (and a cute young blonde one at that) in a counselling context but I'm slowly getting over that boundary. I've found that the harder feelings to express are the ones that really show me for who I am.
I talked about Marie, the support group and the person I used to be for them. In many ways I liked that person. I was caring, I was dedicated and naively idealistic. I've certainly changed since then. Around the time of my MA, my sister was newly married and just about to announce her pregnancy. In this present time my sister is pregnant for a second time, my nephew is going to be three years old later this year (he's also a brat, he's passed the cute stage unfortunately). Life has changed a lot and yet I distinctly feel that since I've finished my Masters, i've not found any chances to persevere and show my true colours to the world. I'm confined by the economic limitations of oppurtunity and a world which values the entirely wrong things. In some ways I've learned to live with it.
But lately, during this past week, since tuesday (when I talked about mia in counselling), I've had these imaginary figures walking next to me or looking at me. I know they aren't real, I know they are imaginations. I know that I'm making them up in my head, but I feel like I need to imagine there's some external mental presence there. There are two people. One of them is me, or rather, a version of me. This version of me wears a smart white shirt, he wears a long jacket and black trousers with smart oxford shoes. His hair is tied back and he wears thick black rimmed glasses. He's elegant and nice and shows many positive attributes. His very existence as he walks beside myself indicates some form of judgment on myself, or some kind of support. I imagine him because he supports me. at the moemnt he's sitting on my bed, I suppose reminding me that I have a day tomorrow and I should sleep.
There's another person I imagine around me, I imagine her talking to me, and sometimes I try to ignore her. I can't trust her, but what she says seduces me. In many ways she's like what Marie became for me. Marie was the seduction, marie was the emotional betrayal. Marie may well have never existed for the purposes of what she's come to symbolise for me in this woman who is constantly by my thoughts. Mia. Lately I've started to think about purging, it's just light thoughts. I think the trigger came when I said during counselling how everything changed when I started purging, and it got better, but just as quickly as it got better, it got worse again and I went back to my old self. I thought that I was rid of my old self, I even symbolically stopped wearing my watch from the past. Eventually last year the battery of my new watch died, so I had to resort to the old watch.
Everything about me that mia gave, was taken away when Antonia dumped me. My journey since my dumping has become an embrace of single life and an attempt to redefine myself. How am I doing? I'm not quite sure how to answer that. Am I different now than to how I was compared to 2008 when mia had control over me, or 2009 when I had a girlfriend, or late 2009 when I became 'the old me' again, and the nightmare realisation of the fact that I wouldn't get into a PhD and just even a job would be good dawned upon me?
I feel terribly lost in my life. I hate that I have to constantly apply to jobs and that the competition is so bad that I keep getting rejections. I dont have a hell of a chance ins htis bloody interview I have next week, why the fuck do I still torture myself with this. A line of thought like this makes mia's phantasm (that term is a reference to an Aristotelian term) more concrete.
Mia's influence lately has grown, from a whisper to a word. Will mia's word find incarnation? That's up to me. I felt pretty close on friday.
This is a longer post than usual. I thought I'd end by sharing a song that has been in my head for this past week. Ghost by Ladytron (my music interests are getting more diverse than heavy metal)
Ladytron - Ghosts [Official Music Video]
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