Today I've felt tested and challenged in many ways. In some ways, if I persevere through today, I think that this should be considered a productive day. Maybe I'll talk about yesterday for a moment.
Yesterday I was texting the ex. Ugh, I hate saying that, too many x'es without sex, and since it's my ex, sex is never too far away from thought. Anyway, I purged. I couldn't hold it in after the upset and distress she gave me. Plus my life is shit in general. I couldn't sleep last night. I was in this weird state of mind where I was neither able to sleep, and I wasn't really in the best mood to do stuff either, especially because I needed to wake up.
My mobile phone let me down this morning. I don't know how, or why, but it didn't warn me when it was 9:30. I woke up exceptionally late and was *technically* late for my sign in appointment. I did however, not get any trouble for it, as the lady I sign in with was also seemingly late, phew. Anyway, she told me some stuff, firstly, she asked me to come in some time this week to drop off two pictures of a passport photo so that I could get this New Deal discount for travelling around london, which sounds nice especially considering that I have 'money problems' right now.
I shall say a bit more about my money issues. After the sign in appointment, I realised that I had two tasks afterward, firstly I needed to withdraw what little money I have from my account (less than £10) so I went to the bank branch and took out £9. Going home I felt exceptionally anxious, not least because the advisor at the JCP said I had to be put into some scheme soon as a mandatory measure (I've been signing in for too long). It was a nightmare being with that Reed in Partnership bunch so this really gives me a sense of dread and urgency. The funny thing is that I already have a 'job' now, it just happens that as a technicality, I am not earning enough to sign off, and the JSA does supplement my income which is well needed now more than ever. Especially because I have 'money issues'. I've not been paid yet from my wage of this past month (fuck).
I'm also fucked over on account of not having enough cash to pay for counselling tomorrow. Well that's not true, I've just got enough to pay for counselling after coming back from the bank. But now I have other things looming on my head as worries. I'm going to list my worries in a list.
I feel really weak right now, the fact that I'm in such a dire financial situation, the fact that I'm in such a dire job situation, the facct that I have to jump hoops for the job centre and how everything in my life is not going well, I'm lonely, I'm purging again and I'm humping a pillow twice a night. Life doesn't seem too great. That said, Perhaps I'm the strongest emotionally I've ever been, because I have to survive all this shit alone. If I survive, it would be pretty nice :).
Lets end with a couple of positivies. Come the end of this week, I'll have an interview on thursday, I was also invited (about an hour ago) to a second interview on thursday with another application I sent. I also have an assessment on monday with a major graduate recruiter. Fuck yeah.
Anyway. I just hope that it all works out. I suppose I should try to make things work instead of blog about it. I've sounded off. Now to man up.
Yesterday I was texting the ex. Ugh, I hate saying that, too many x'es without sex, and since it's my ex, sex is never too far away from thought. Anyway, I purged. I couldn't hold it in after the upset and distress she gave me. Plus my life is shit in general. I couldn't sleep last night. I was in this weird state of mind where I was neither able to sleep, and I wasn't really in the best mood to do stuff either, especially because I needed to wake up.
My mobile phone let me down this morning. I don't know how, or why, but it didn't warn me when it was 9:30. I woke up exceptionally late and was *technically* late for my sign in appointment. I did however, not get any trouble for it, as the lady I sign in with was also seemingly late, phew. Anyway, she told me some stuff, firstly, she asked me to come in some time this week to drop off two pictures of a passport photo so that I could get this New Deal discount for travelling around london, which sounds nice especially considering that I have 'money problems' right now.
I shall say a bit more about my money issues. After the sign in appointment, I realised that I had two tasks afterward, firstly I needed to withdraw what little money I have from my account (less than £10) so I went to the bank branch and took out £9. Going home I felt exceptionally anxious, not least because the advisor at the JCP said I had to be put into some scheme soon as a mandatory measure (I've been signing in for too long). It was a nightmare being with that Reed in Partnership bunch so this really gives me a sense of dread and urgency. The funny thing is that I already have a 'job' now, it just happens that as a technicality, I am not earning enough to sign off, and the JSA does supplement my income which is well needed now more than ever. Especially because I have 'money issues'. I've not been paid yet from my wage of this past month (fuck).
I'm also fucked over on account of not having enough cash to pay for counselling tomorrow. Well that's not true, I've just got enough to pay for counselling after coming back from the bank. But now I have other things looming on my head as worries. I'm going to list my worries in a list.
- I've not been paid yet for my work with Shambly arena. It was said to go in on the 18th. I've got nothing yet...
- I've only got enough for counselling tomorrow
- I have been 'threatened' with being put on another damned scheme with the job centre, it might just be easier if I just ended my claim. But I am so low in cash I'm too dependent on them with my other expenses. Especially since I've not been paid in yet. FUCK
- I have an additional expense to make, after just about having enough money for counselling: I need money to buy at least 4 passport sized photos of myself. My mum said that the local place that does it costs £12. I am about £4-5 short of that goal. I'll probably have to walk to the job centre to drop it off too. I guess I could use the walk.
- I'm worried that I've not been paid yet for the job
- I'm worried that I've just got enough for counselling - this is a burden of an expense
- I'm worried about being wrangled into another 'scheme' and falling into another depression
- I'm worried that I don't have enough money to finish my tasks for this week: namely, passport photos.
I feel really weak right now, the fact that I'm in such a dire financial situation, the fact that I'm in such a dire job situation, the facct that I have to jump hoops for the job centre and how everything in my life is not going well, I'm lonely, I'm purging again and I'm humping a pillow twice a night. Life doesn't seem too great. That said, Perhaps I'm the strongest emotionally I've ever been, because I have to survive all this shit alone. If I survive, it would be pretty nice :).
Lets end with a couple of positivies. Come the end of this week, I'll have an interview on thursday, I was also invited (about an hour ago) to a second interview on thursday with another application I sent. I also have an assessment on monday with a major graduate recruiter. Fuck yeah.
Anyway. I just hope that it all works out. I suppose I should try to make things work instead of blog about it. I've sounded off. Now to man up.
No comments:
Post a Comment