I woke up and found a beautiful white sheet covering the scape of surburbia outside my window. Beauty finds itself in many ways. There is such bleakness and pureity to the white snow. For me, right now, snow represents a lot of happy memories. I remember when I was in the sixth form and I had a snow day. That day in 2003 (or was it 2002?) was spectacular. Perhaps this lift in my mood is welcome. Yesterday I went to a pub quiz with some guys I knew from school. They are all successful types now, one is a store manager who is dealing with real responsibilities, has underlings and bonuses. Another friend is an epidemiological researcher, ironically for someone not as interested in academia as I was, he’s doing very well in the journals. All I can say is good on them.
I feel shit with how my life has ended up, and I’m glad that they are where they are. They’ve worked hard and got to where they wanted to be. Their success says more of me than them. I need to fight on harder and keep going, and hopefulyl I’ll survive and get somewhere with my stupid life. For now, I am slowly doing things today. I ate a bit too much these past few days, I blame the weather for being cold and me wanting more energy. I need to burn these calories in some way, however. Perhaps I’ll log my walking data from today to console myself (and perhaps in some heisenberg way observation will record progress).
I’m really behind at the moment. It’s terrible. I don’t like being behind, but on the other hand, I am quite busy these days. Interviews, and work are notable distractions, but unless I keep applying to jobs consistently and constantly, I won’t have interviews to go to this side of 2010.
Claudio Arrau plays Debussy PréludeⅠ,no.6, "Des pas sur la neige"
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