Awake I find myself.
Everything is dark, but I feel a sense of energy as I wake. I do not have the feeling of wanting to stay in bed. Although it is cold and the warm duvet gives me comfort. I do not find the need to stay in bed.
What time is it? I ask myself. I have no idea. I presume it is late enough for my parents to be asleep. I forget to realise that my dad, who is the late sleeper; is doing a night shift tonight. I lay in bed, the computer is not on, and I feel a sense of surprise at my burst of energy as I am awake.
What brought this about? I question to myself. I suspected at first that it was because I closed the laptop. I am so umbilically attached to my computer that I suspect that it interrupts my sleep patterns. I do not find this explanation comprehensive, although it is probably partially true.
Perhaps it is the medication, perhaps I am feeling more energy in my body as a sign of getting better, as a sign of getting out of this depressive stupour that I have been in. I haven't had many triggers for a while, I have had small ones that I have been able to manage but they have not been as bad as in the recent and not-so-recent past.
Eventually I put on the laptop. The bright lights surprise me, but not as much as they had a few mornings ago where it took two minutes for my eyes to adjust and read the computer. I put on my password. The time on the laptop says 21:19
Fuck. I thought to myself. I then saw the start bar pause as if to load, the egg timer appears. This must be the time that I closed the laptop, but not when I went to sleep. I was fast asleep maybe two hours before but opened up enough to close the laptop probably at that time.
The actual time loads. It's 1am? Fuck. I thought to myself. Do I stay up or go I go to sleep again? I felt too much energy to do the latter. I felt also it was not the best time to have a wank. I am never feeling this energetic so I thought I would make good use of it. I listened to soem podcasts. One of which featured an old lecturer of mine who is a big shot award winning professor.
I made a music playlist consisting of the beethoven CDs I have. It is about 150 CDs long, and I decided just earlier that I will play them before I go to bed instead of standup comedy. I suspect Beethoven will be a suitable contrast to all the heavy metal and industrial music I have been playing of late. I feel a personality shift in me, on the one hand I am liking less of the mainstream and broad categories of heavy metal and leaning towards wider musical interests. On the other hand I really like depressive black metal specifically; black thrash; black ambient; and other kinds of black metal. I think I am going veritably European in my music interests. From Norweigian metal to Beethoven. I see a continuum personally.
I ate for an hour while watching star trek. Now I'm back upstairs. I decided to do some blogging because I hardly ever blog these days, and I feel I am skipping parts of my developmental and thought processes by not typing as often as one might have wanted to. I have realised of late that I am good at being the depressive, but I am not so used to being happy. Im not used to not being depressed, such that I dont know how to behave. I suppose I could be shy and nervous and unsure of things, that would make a contrast to the 'comfort' of certain depressive and cynic moods. The latter leads more prone to anger, sometimes triggering and otherwise not nice behaviour.
My dress sense seems to have changed given my current wears: I am wearing a pea green jacket because it has a fleece layer and feels like wearing a blanket. I've had this jacket possibly since I was 17 and I hated wearing it. It was the colour and the fact that it wasn't a long flowing jacket but an almost 'puffa' jacket with an anorak hood in the collar which I deemed too geeky and outside of my tastes.
I think that I am changing. I'm going to a metal gig later this week. I'm not sure a lime green jacket wearer will fit in too much. From my experience, I think I will take as few items as possible. No camera, maybe a wallet. possibly not the phone. I have to dress light, else I am robbed or worse, things break. It also can get quite hot. I'm not sure where I am as regard the jacket situation.
I must sound exceptionally boring and dull. I suppose the dullard at least hs the consolation of contentness. Not that I have that, but at least I can aspire...
Onwards
Well I think I may try to sleep for a couple of hours now
Everything is dark, but I feel a sense of energy as I wake. I do not have the feeling of wanting to stay in bed. Although it is cold and the warm duvet gives me comfort. I do not find the need to stay in bed.
What time is it? I ask myself. I have no idea. I presume it is late enough for my parents to be asleep. I forget to realise that my dad, who is the late sleeper; is doing a night shift tonight. I lay in bed, the computer is not on, and I feel a sense of surprise at my burst of energy as I am awake.
What brought this about? I question to myself. I suspected at first that it was because I closed the laptop. I am so umbilically attached to my computer that I suspect that it interrupts my sleep patterns. I do not find this explanation comprehensive, although it is probably partially true.
Perhaps it is the medication, perhaps I am feeling more energy in my body as a sign of getting better, as a sign of getting out of this depressive stupour that I have been in. I haven't had many triggers for a while, I have had small ones that I have been able to manage but they have not been as bad as in the recent and not-so-recent past.
Eventually I put on the laptop. The bright lights surprise me, but not as much as they had a few mornings ago where it took two minutes for my eyes to adjust and read the computer. I put on my password. The time on the laptop says 21:19
Fuck. I thought to myself. I then saw the start bar pause as if to load, the egg timer appears. This must be the time that I closed the laptop, but not when I went to sleep. I was fast asleep maybe two hours before but opened up enough to close the laptop probably at that time.
The actual time loads. It's 1am? Fuck. I thought to myself. Do I stay up or go I go to sleep again? I felt too much energy to do the latter. I felt also it was not the best time to have a wank. I am never feeling this energetic so I thought I would make good use of it. I listened to soem podcasts. One of which featured an old lecturer of mine who is a big shot award winning professor.
I made a music playlist consisting of the beethoven CDs I have. It is about 150 CDs long, and I decided just earlier that I will play them before I go to bed instead of standup comedy. I suspect Beethoven will be a suitable contrast to all the heavy metal and industrial music I have been playing of late. I feel a personality shift in me, on the one hand I am liking less of the mainstream and broad categories of heavy metal and leaning towards wider musical interests. On the other hand I really like depressive black metal specifically; black thrash; black ambient; and other kinds of black metal. I think I am going veritably European in my music interests. From Norweigian metal to Beethoven. I see a continuum personally.
I ate for an hour while watching star trek. Now I'm back upstairs. I decided to do some blogging because I hardly ever blog these days, and I feel I am skipping parts of my developmental and thought processes by not typing as often as one might have wanted to. I have realised of late that I am good at being the depressive, but I am not so used to being happy. Im not used to not being depressed, such that I dont know how to behave. I suppose I could be shy and nervous and unsure of things, that would make a contrast to the 'comfort' of certain depressive and cynic moods. The latter leads more prone to anger, sometimes triggering and otherwise not nice behaviour.
My dress sense seems to have changed given my current wears: I am wearing a pea green jacket because it has a fleece layer and feels like wearing a blanket. I've had this jacket possibly since I was 17 and I hated wearing it. It was the colour and the fact that it wasn't a long flowing jacket but an almost 'puffa' jacket with an anorak hood in the collar which I deemed too geeky and outside of my tastes.
I think that I am changing. I'm going to a metal gig later this week. I'm not sure a lime green jacket wearer will fit in too much. From my experience, I think I will take as few items as possible. No camera, maybe a wallet. possibly not the phone. I have to dress light, else I am robbed or worse, things break. It also can get quite hot. I'm not sure where I am as regard the jacket situation.
I must sound exceptionally boring and dull. I suppose the dullard at least hs the consolation of contentness. Not that I have that, but at least I can aspire...
Onwards
Well I think I may try to sleep for a couple of hours now
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