Lately, I've told a couple of people my 'Conatus' identity and sent them a link to this blog.
I find this a bit of a breaking down of a psychological barrier that I have put up, namely, the barrier of secrecy; having secrets gives me a sense of power. On the other hand, what is a piece of clothing that we wear that ultimately can be shed to the true and naked form that is always part of us.
I feel some psychological barriers, or strong rituals need to be put into place. Obsessive behaviours such as recording my weight, brushing my teeth, having a shower on a regular basis, shampoo+conditioner+soap as part of my shower ritual. All of these seem simple tasks to the normal person, but there was once a time when this was just as hard as doing my MA thesis, or writing my conference papers.
As one barrier (my pseudonymity) has gotten down; another must come up, namely, my resistance against food. I've gained an unacceptable weight. I am 228lbs and getting increasingly fatter. I cannot continue this trend and I must make a real stand to fight this. I hate what I will have become if I become fat again. I absolutely will have lost everything I have spent so long to gain, if Ibecome fat. I also must fight Mia.
I'm also a bit jealous of another blogger that I follow; she has such eloquent intimate and personal thoughts, while my most intimate of thoughts do not address critical theory or philosophy or literary references; they are just the kind of thoughts I have while in the toilet. THey are a stream of words and thoughts that meander towards whatever topic I see fit.
In other news, today I went for a jog with weighted ankle weights, it was a killer on my legs. My lungs are burning despite not having went very far. I love it! Also, I made a tofu stir fry. It tastes gorgeous. Almost like chinese cuisine. I added a bit of peri peri sauce to embellish the dish. Mushrooms and onions and peppers and corgettes are all so sexy. I think I might eat a chilli to resist my snacking urges.
Onwards!
I find this a bit of a breaking down of a psychological barrier that I have put up, namely, the barrier of secrecy; having secrets gives me a sense of power. On the other hand, what is a piece of clothing that we wear that ultimately can be shed to the true and naked form that is always part of us.
I feel some psychological barriers, or strong rituals need to be put into place. Obsessive behaviours such as recording my weight, brushing my teeth, having a shower on a regular basis, shampoo+conditioner+soap as part of my shower ritual. All of these seem simple tasks to the normal person, but there was once a time when this was just as hard as doing my MA thesis, or writing my conference papers.
As one barrier (my pseudonymity) has gotten down; another must come up, namely, my resistance against food. I've gained an unacceptable weight. I am 228lbs and getting increasingly fatter. I cannot continue this trend and I must make a real stand to fight this. I hate what I will have become if I become fat again. I absolutely will have lost everything I have spent so long to gain, if Ibecome fat. I also must fight Mia.
I'm also a bit jealous of another blogger that I follow; she has such eloquent intimate and personal thoughts, while my most intimate of thoughts do not address critical theory or philosophy or literary references; they are just the kind of thoughts I have while in the toilet. THey are a stream of words and thoughts that meander towards whatever topic I see fit.
In other news, today I went for a jog with weighted ankle weights, it was a killer on my legs. My lungs are burning despite not having went very far. I love it! Also, I made a tofu stir fry. It tastes gorgeous. Almost like chinese cuisine. I added a bit of peri peri sauce to embellish the dish. Mushrooms and onions and peppers and corgettes are all so sexy. I think I might eat a chilli to resist my snacking urges.
Onwards!
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