I thought I might list (what is it with me and lists, I must be awfully unimaginative a prose writer) various things over the week.
1. Saw avatar (finally) with Antonia (scary car ride)
2. Antonia broke my heart with a horrible speech on sunday of all days being valentines'. it was an otherwise good weekend until she broke my heart again. More on that another time perhaps
3. Another meeting with job centre. All seems fine if I keep on track with my schedule#
4. I was exhausted yesterday, I travelled from wales to england and then within the capital's crazy tubes, then home, then to the job centre and back. It may not seem much but having been heartbroken the previous day fucks one over, as well as the horrid smell of jasmine over my body (from Antonia's body scrub)
5. My beard seems to be growing, it seems to evoke a lot of feelings and associations. I don't like it. I prefer appearing androgynous, or at least a feminine man.
6. I think I have hair problems. It may be alopecia (at its worst), or it may be ringworm (I've had past histories of skin problems which is conceivable)
7. Mia keeps knocking on my door, I suppose because Antonia upset me.
8. I asked out a girl who is coming to visit the country (a long time friend of mine from 2003), I said to her: I think we should go out on a date sometime. She's such an old friend it was so easy to ask ehr out, it was like I didn't give a shit, it was like no effort, no pressure, just me being me saying 'hey, you are single, I am single, we like each other, we have a connection, you think I'm pretty, I think you're pretty - hows about we go out sometime? hows about a picnic in the park, a date at the museum, and if it doens't work out, fine.' Gosh I think I should 'not give a shit' a bit more about life. I'd probably be more prosperous.
9. Social networking news: A girl messaged me today on the sort of dating site. She said 'well I'd like to be asked out sometime (no pressure)'. Gosh, she's really amusing! Is that how girls make themselves get asked out?! I'm astounded.
I am feelign a mix of things. On the one hand I feel a sense of validation from this girl messaging me. Its not enough to make a self-concept of myself entirely on a single event, but it did help me out of bed. Call it an emotional coffee.
I've realised a couple of things:
1. I don't want a girlfriend anymore. I've been hurt by too many girls, and the only girlfriend that I have had took away all the positive things that she made me into leaving me into a husk of what I used to be. I'll just develop as a person on my own.
2. I'm not even quite sure I want to date anymore. I might prefer just a fuck, just freely open, crazy sex. Not necessarily long term, just immanent. Crazy dates, fun kisses, lovely cuddles. Without the baggage of being bothered about arguments, or her saying that I'm changing too much. Am I allowed to just want to fuck and be a fuck dog? just to be some kind of man whore object? Am I too old at 23? Am I too mature to be immature being a MA holder?
1. Saw avatar (finally) with Antonia (scary car ride)
2. Antonia broke my heart with a horrible speech on sunday of all days being valentines'. it was an otherwise good weekend until she broke my heart again. More on that another time perhaps
3. Another meeting with job centre. All seems fine if I keep on track with my schedule#
4. I was exhausted yesterday, I travelled from wales to england and then within the capital's crazy tubes, then home, then to the job centre and back. It may not seem much but having been heartbroken the previous day fucks one over, as well as the horrid smell of jasmine over my body (from Antonia's body scrub)
5. My beard seems to be growing, it seems to evoke a lot of feelings and associations. I don't like it. I prefer appearing androgynous, or at least a feminine man.
6. I think I have hair problems. It may be alopecia (at its worst), or it may be ringworm (I've had past histories of skin problems which is conceivable)
7. Mia keeps knocking on my door, I suppose because Antonia upset me.
8. I asked out a girl who is coming to visit the country (a long time friend of mine from 2003), I said to her: I think we should go out on a date sometime. She's such an old friend it was so easy to ask ehr out, it was like I didn't give a shit, it was like no effort, no pressure, just me being me saying 'hey, you are single, I am single, we like each other, we have a connection, you think I'm pretty, I think you're pretty - hows about we go out sometime? hows about a picnic in the park, a date at the museum, and if it doens't work out, fine.' Gosh I think I should 'not give a shit' a bit more about life. I'd probably be more prosperous.
9. Social networking news: A girl messaged me today on the sort of dating site. She said 'well I'd like to be asked out sometime (no pressure)'. Gosh, she's really amusing! Is that how girls make themselves get asked out?! I'm astounded.
I am feelign a mix of things. On the one hand I feel a sense of validation from this girl messaging me. Its not enough to make a self-concept of myself entirely on a single event, but it did help me out of bed. Call it an emotional coffee.
I've realised a couple of things:
1. I don't want a girlfriend anymore. I've been hurt by too many girls, and the only girlfriend that I have had took away all the positive things that she made me into leaving me into a husk of what I used to be. I'll just develop as a person on my own.
2. I'm not even quite sure I want to date anymore. I might prefer just a fuck, just freely open, crazy sex. Not necessarily long term, just immanent. Crazy dates, fun kisses, lovely cuddles. Without the baggage of being bothered about arguments, or her saying that I'm changing too much. Am I allowed to just want to fuck and be a fuck dog? just to be some kind of man whore object? Am I too old at 23? Am I too mature to be immature being a MA holder?
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