Probably for the past week or so, I have been putting of one scheduled task. This has led me to keep changing my schedule in order to avoid doing it, avoid thinking about it for another day, and be lazy. The task that I have been putting off is the revision of my PhD proposal. I am reluctant to do it in a sense because it symbolises the last ditch effort to apply for a PhD. My actions seem to express more about me than I would care to reveal.
Today, I woke up and got out of bed around 11. I opened my eyes around 10, but felt like just laying in bed and enjoyed the comfort of a lie in. The alarm went off around 7 in the morning, but since I didn't have a job centre appointment, or an interview; some of the many reasons why I have made a good example of myself by waking up early and revisiting my old punctual self. Getting up around 11 isn't terrible, but it isn't ideal either. In terms of the really bad insomnia I so described in previous posts I must admit that it has been an improvement. I am quick to describe when things go badly compared to when things improve. This might give you the unreliable perception that my life is a spiral to despair. What the reality is, I think, is not exactly like that; how exactly it is, however, is not clear to me.
Yesterday was an instance of a fairly good day. I had an interview for a university library. It was nice to go on the tube just a bit after rush hour and see the famous London commuting crowds. There was a woman who had an offensive smelling packet of doritos; it was the' red' flavour. I always describe it as the red flavour because you have cool original, cheese, and then the 'third' red flavour which always seems to change; spicy chilli, mexican fire etc. Anyway, it is the most disgusting stench and in a tube it is worse because I can't escape it.
The tube station that I got off from had only one functioning lift and no escalator. With a hundred odd people wanting to go up; the lift could only take about 20 at a time at a rate of one per 2 minutes. The interview I had last week took me to the same station and I decided to go up the stairs which I found slightly claustrophobic. I chose to stick with the stairs. After getting out of the station I felt a sense of tranquility walking through central london, some of the streets were quiet without cars and yet there were consistently groups of people passing by from time to time. I suppose now typing this it reminded me of my old university. The quiet student environs which is only occaisioned by the bustling groups that leave seminars and lectures after the 50 minute session.
The prospect of the interview was scary. This was on account of my great investment in wanting this job. I would really like to have this job; I could earn real money, even if it is less than the 'national' average. I could have a real job and not be a loser, sure, it may not be a graduate job, but it would be near a university and something that I would vaguely envisage myself doing. I look forward to hearing back. I am also preparing for disappointment but I am really lucky to have been shortlisted. During the actual interview, in front of a panel of three (It felt like dragons den), I answered their questions. I was somewhat nernous. I made sure to pay eye contact equally to all of them and not stare around the room. I violated that a few times. I find it hard to look someone in the eye when I talk to them. I made them laugh, as I answered questions they wrote into their notes.
I think that they would decide the candidate during the evening after seeing the potentials during the day to decide who got the job. After finishing the interview I went to the British museum, again. It is one of my most favourite spots in all the world. The parthenon has a resonance and a dear place in my heart. If I ever go insane or want to escape, or prepare for suicide, i'd firstly go to the parthenon. Anyone who would know anything about me would visit the parthenon for the final confrontation. I went into argos to indulge my spending desires, but luckily I found the products I wanted were not in stock. Also lucky is my bank balance is very low. Probably the lowest it has been in half a year. I do not normally let my balance go below 300; it is presently £96. I expect another £100 coming in next week (which I quite relish). Buying a tuxedo has its costs I suppose.
In between writing paragraphs of this blog posts I have been writing a bit more in my proposal. I don't feel a sense of writing block so much as writing my ideas in as crude a way as possible in order to just write something down. I will need to 'refine' it a lot more afterwards.
Another thing I need to address is that my Ex called me late yesterday and told me that her man has abandoned her. I expected no less. She was very upset. I wish I could help her, I also felt a strange mix of feelings an an inner conflict. This also compounds with triggering some memories and feelings that seemed to repeat themselves concerning Marie. It is Marie's birthday around now and two years ago I made a big effort to give her presents. I was one of few people to give her anything for her birthday and I thought I had the best possible chance with her. How foolish I was. two years have passed since then and they have been long and short. A lot has happened inside me but not much in terms of social acceptability and conformity. Today, on the day that I may be on the cusp of getting a job offer and a place on a PGCE course, I am reminded starkly of what I have left behind and the very things that have encapsulated my darkest years, which I still may be living; falling in love with wimen, and caring for those girls who are distressed that trust me enough to share their pain. I worry for the despair of my former love, but I also feel a sense in which she wants us to be together again. I am conflicted in considering whether I want to get together with her again (in some ways I do), with what it would be like if I did not get together iwth her and just moved on with my life. She wants me to move on with my life. All of these feelings make a cocktail that reminds me of my bulimic urges.
Lately, like say, the past 9 days. I have felt my bulimic urges rising inside, the thoughts, the invitations, the fictional girl Mia inviting me, lustfully, lovingly, to purge. It is easy, and tempting to simplify life through bulimia goggles, it is hard, with or without bulimia, to understand what's really going on inside me. Apprehending what exactly the nature of my inner conflict is. I feel that thinking about this moer, the situation of her despair developing will revert me and my patterns of thinking and acting right back to the days when I chased marie like anidiot. Waiting in the rain wanting to see her and make it all better. I ignored my own healing in order to attend to hers, when she didn'teven want me. Who paid the price for that? I did, with my masters degree grades and my non-place in a PhD.
On this day, I am waiting for interview results from a teacher training course, a job at the library and scheduled to write up more for my PhD proposal. On the other hand, i am visited by the reminder that it was Marie's birthday party two years ago, and Antonia is presently in a state of despair. I can do nothing about the past, or what happened back then, or for Antonia's situation now unless she wants me to. I suppose thinking more about it won't help anyone, I am merely repeating myself in terms of all the thoughts I have had and repetition doesn't give me anything new only more sterss. They say in depression circles that when you fear a recurrence or return to a previous depressive phenomenology, remember that what happened in the past may not necessarily repeat itself exactly or at all in the present. The one thing that I can do now is attend to my own life and situation. Concentrate on my life, on my goals, on my moving foward and advancement to my future. I have only myself to blame if I fail or distract myself. I will do now what I didn't do two years ago. That is what I will make different of now so returning or reoccurences will not be so. I will now get on and keep myself busy. It's the proposal for now.
Today, I woke up and got out of bed around 11. I opened my eyes around 10, but felt like just laying in bed and enjoyed the comfort of a lie in. The alarm went off around 7 in the morning, but since I didn't have a job centre appointment, or an interview; some of the many reasons why I have made a good example of myself by waking up early and revisiting my old punctual self. Getting up around 11 isn't terrible, but it isn't ideal either. In terms of the really bad insomnia I so described in previous posts I must admit that it has been an improvement. I am quick to describe when things go badly compared to when things improve. This might give you the unreliable perception that my life is a spiral to despair. What the reality is, I think, is not exactly like that; how exactly it is, however, is not clear to me.
Yesterday was an instance of a fairly good day. I had an interview for a university library. It was nice to go on the tube just a bit after rush hour and see the famous London commuting crowds. There was a woman who had an offensive smelling packet of doritos; it was the' red' flavour. I always describe it as the red flavour because you have cool original, cheese, and then the 'third' red flavour which always seems to change; spicy chilli, mexican fire etc. Anyway, it is the most disgusting stench and in a tube it is worse because I can't escape it.
The tube station that I got off from had only one functioning lift and no escalator. With a hundred odd people wanting to go up; the lift could only take about 20 at a time at a rate of one per 2 minutes. The interview I had last week took me to the same station and I decided to go up the stairs which I found slightly claustrophobic. I chose to stick with the stairs. After getting out of the station I felt a sense of tranquility walking through central london, some of the streets were quiet without cars and yet there were consistently groups of people passing by from time to time. I suppose now typing this it reminded me of my old university. The quiet student environs which is only occaisioned by the bustling groups that leave seminars and lectures after the 50 minute session.
The prospect of the interview was scary. This was on account of my great investment in wanting this job. I would really like to have this job; I could earn real money, even if it is less than the 'national' average. I could have a real job and not be a loser, sure, it may not be a graduate job, but it would be near a university and something that I would vaguely envisage myself doing. I look forward to hearing back. I am also preparing for disappointment but I am really lucky to have been shortlisted. During the actual interview, in front of a panel of three (It felt like dragons den), I answered their questions. I was somewhat nernous. I made sure to pay eye contact equally to all of them and not stare around the room. I violated that a few times. I find it hard to look someone in the eye when I talk to them. I made them laugh, as I answered questions they wrote into their notes.
I think that they would decide the candidate during the evening after seeing the potentials during the day to decide who got the job. After finishing the interview I went to the British museum, again. It is one of my most favourite spots in all the world. The parthenon has a resonance and a dear place in my heart. If I ever go insane or want to escape, or prepare for suicide, i'd firstly go to the parthenon. Anyone who would know anything about me would visit the parthenon for the final confrontation. I went into argos to indulge my spending desires, but luckily I found the products I wanted were not in stock. Also lucky is my bank balance is very low. Probably the lowest it has been in half a year. I do not normally let my balance go below 300; it is presently £96. I expect another £100 coming in next week (which I quite relish). Buying a tuxedo has its costs I suppose.
In between writing paragraphs of this blog posts I have been writing a bit more in my proposal. I don't feel a sense of writing block so much as writing my ideas in as crude a way as possible in order to just write something down. I will need to 'refine' it a lot more afterwards.
Another thing I need to address is that my Ex called me late yesterday and told me that her man has abandoned her. I expected no less. She was very upset. I wish I could help her, I also felt a strange mix of feelings an an inner conflict. This also compounds with triggering some memories and feelings that seemed to repeat themselves concerning Marie. It is Marie's birthday around now and two years ago I made a big effort to give her presents. I was one of few people to give her anything for her birthday and I thought I had the best possible chance with her. How foolish I was. two years have passed since then and they have been long and short. A lot has happened inside me but not much in terms of social acceptability and conformity. Today, on the day that I may be on the cusp of getting a job offer and a place on a PGCE course, I am reminded starkly of what I have left behind and the very things that have encapsulated my darkest years, which I still may be living; falling in love with wimen, and caring for those girls who are distressed that trust me enough to share their pain. I worry for the despair of my former love, but I also feel a sense in which she wants us to be together again. I am conflicted in considering whether I want to get together with her again (in some ways I do), with what it would be like if I did not get together iwth her and just moved on with my life. She wants me to move on with my life. All of these feelings make a cocktail that reminds me of my bulimic urges.
Lately, like say, the past 9 days. I have felt my bulimic urges rising inside, the thoughts, the invitations, the fictional girl Mia inviting me, lustfully, lovingly, to purge. It is easy, and tempting to simplify life through bulimia goggles, it is hard, with or without bulimia, to understand what's really going on inside me. Apprehending what exactly the nature of my inner conflict is. I feel that thinking about this moer, the situation of her despair developing will revert me and my patterns of thinking and acting right back to the days when I chased marie like anidiot. Waiting in the rain wanting to see her and make it all better. I ignored my own healing in order to attend to hers, when she didn'teven want me. Who paid the price for that? I did, with my masters degree grades and my non-place in a PhD.
On this day, I am waiting for interview results from a teacher training course, a job at the library and scheduled to write up more for my PhD proposal. On the other hand, i am visited by the reminder that it was Marie's birthday party two years ago, and Antonia is presently in a state of despair. I can do nothing about the past, or what happened back then, or for Antonia's situation now unless she wants me to. I suppose thinking more about it won't help anyone, I am merely repeating myself in terms of all the thoughts I have had and repetition doesn't give me anything new only more sterss. They say in depression circles that when you fear a recurrence or return to a previous depressive phenomenology, remember that what happened in the past may not necessarily repeat itself exactly or at all in the present. The one thing that I can do now is attend to my own life and situation. Concentrate on my life, on my goals, on my moving foward and advancement to my future. I have only myself to blame if I fail or distract myself. I will do now what I didn't do two years ago. That is what I will make different of now so returning or reoccurences will not be so. I will now get on and keep myself busy. It's the proposal for now.
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