5pm. A short email from the HR manager; I skim-read these emails to look for keywords to find out their immediate conclusion instead of all the filler words like 'Dear Conatus...'
there was a 'we would like to thank you' - I thought that might be positive. Then I saw the sign that I didn't get it 'unfortunately, we couldn't....' et cetera. For a brief moment I ws actually filled with the hope that I might, even with a menial job, have a change to climb up and improve my life and be somewhat normal again. That I can have the money to be independent, go to pubs and buy things; have one night stands, meet girls, live on my own, have sleepoers, parties, games consoles, free time, pizza takeaways and most importantly, no more job centre waiting.
Unfortunately it was not meant to be. I know that these things take time and I am really glad to even get to be shortlisted. When my parents left the house I was considering whether or not to purge. I sat by the toilet pondering. When I faced the mirror, I saw my fat body. I distracted myself by shaving, as I did not shave in the morning. I sat, pondering. It's now or never. My parents are rarely both out of the house and this was the perfect moment. I decided, for some reason not to purge. I decided to focus my attentions on cooking. I considered making a mix of fried vegetables. I was also pondering takeaway chinese. I decided to chop vegetables. It took me about an hour or so of constant labour to chop, peel, boil, crush, and prepare a potato dauphinoise. It's been in the oven now for 15 minutes.
How ironic it is as an antidote to purging to focus my mind on cooking. I try to cook mroe intricate and technical things, so as to distract my mind and yet lust over this food, as well as making myself wait and not seek that instant sense of gratification.
Perhaps the biggest thing that stopped me from purging today is what I wrote to you on the previous post. I wrote that on this day; Marie's birthday, and the day after Antonia was abandoned, the one thing I cuold do differently so as to avoid recurrences of the past is to improve my self. I am halfway through reading an academic paper; one that is part of my so-called academic specialism. If it were brighter and less cold I may have gone for a jog.
I do not think that I have done very much today. I did not finish the proposal but I did make some way into reforming it and a vague plan for re-writing it. I have a essay writing block with it. I found that my proposal is supposed to be c.1000 and a previous blog post that I wrote was about 1.5k. I find that I am able to write quite a lot about myself and I find that somewhat assuring.
Despite the events of today, regarding my not getting a job (again), as well as fairly uneventful things going on. I feel perhaps a small victory. I need to apply to more jobs. My schedule doesn't seem to be doing my any favours these days. They seem to be tasks which do not directly help me or self indulgent.
there was a 'we would like to thank you' - I thought that might be positive. Then I saw the sign that I didn't get it 'unfortunately, we couldn't....' et cetera. For a brief moment I ws actually filled with the hope that I might, even with a menial job, have a change to climb up and improve my life and be somewhat normal again. That I can have the money to be independent, go to pubs and buy things; have one night stands, meet girls, live on my own, have sleepoers, parties, games consoles, free time, pizza takeaways and most importantly, no more job centre waiting.
Unfortunately it was not meant to be. I know that these things take time and I am really glad to even get to be shortlisted. When my parents left the house I was considering whether or not to purge. I sat by the toilet pondering. When I faced the mirror, I saw my fat body. I distracted myself by shaving, as I did not shave in the morning. I sat, pondering. It's now or never. My parents are rarely both out of the house and this was the perfect moment. I decided, for some reason not to purge. I decided to focus my attentions on cooking. I considered making a mix of fried vegetables. I was also pondering takeaway chinese. I decided to chop vegetables. It took me about an hour or so of constant labour to chop, peel, boil, crush, and prepare a potato dauphinoise. It's been in the oven now for 15 minutes.
How ironic it is as an antidote to purging to focus my mind on cooking. I try to cook mroe intricate and technical things, so as to distract my mind and yet lust over this food, as well as making myself wait and not seek that instant sense of gratification.
Perhaps the biggest thing that stopped me from purging today is what I wrote to you on the previous post. I wrote that on this day; Marie's birthday, and the day after Antonia was abandoned, the one thing I cuold do differently so as to avoid recurrences of the past is to improve my self. I am halfway through reading an academic paper; one that is part of my so-called academic specialism. If it were brighter and less cold I may have gone for a jog.
I do not think that I have done very much today. I did not finish the proposal but I did make some way into reforming it and a vague plan for re-writing it. I have a essay writing block with it. I found that my proposal is supposed to be c.1000 and a previous blog post that I wrote was about 1.5k. I find that I am able to write quite a lot about myself and I find that somewhat assuring.
Despite the events of today, regarding my not getting a job (again), as well as fairly uneventful things going on. I feel perhaps a small victory. I need to apply to more jobs. My schedule doesn't seem to be doing my any favours these days. They seem to be tasks which do not directly help me or self indulgent.
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