I think that I will take up a suggestion that I have gotten from someone. Close my eyes and just let my fingers type. I hope just that this is grammatical.
Today I feel a certain heaviness weighing down on me. I feel it is from the realisation that my relationship is basically dead with my girlfriend. I feel a certain kind of heaviness and inner inadequacy. I feel a sense of being alone, isolated, and stuck in a void of which I cannot escape. I decided to carry on with my schedule fotday so far as to do something constructive. I also decided to go for a jog once I had finished all the things that I had shceduled for the day.
I have applied for an internship at this place that related to my work with the ADC, it is a mildly, vaguely academic kind of job but it won't make me have a PhD. I have been thinking through the hours of today and I have felt a big heavy sense of doubt and loss inside me. I feel a sense of giving up, I feel a sense of hopelessnes. i have been trying to fight this sense as much as I could today. I have been jogging, and I pushed myself a little bit further today, although I did not give it my all and run out of steam, as I felt self-conscious in the ghetto gym with all the people around using the machines. Most of the people who go to the ghetto gym normally go in a group.
Upon returning home i decided to piss about for a little while more, then eat, and then I decided to play the piano. I played introspectively, examining the pedagogy and the emotions of the pieces I have been playing. I have also been playing my old repetoire and I have been improving on my technique as every session passes. I am improving in my technique of piano and in my jogging. I have been actively reading more and listening to more podcasts. I am trying to keep to this system that I have created. in a sense, this system is a culmination of what I originally created during ym 'A' levels. This systmeatic line of thought and resasoning and organisation of my thoughts and actions into this comprehendable and indexically sorted manner gives my life structure even if it does not give it meaning.
I realise that I do not go off on digressions and dig up some kind of emotional significance to it, i have dulled my senses and ina a big sense i have just been struggling to get on with life and have essentially made my life a bit more boring.
It has been a very long time since I have been intensely typing in this manner as I have not been doing exegesis and I have always been careful about how I conduct my grammatical manner and syntax and spelling after my horrible dissertation revlation. As I type I realise that I am a fast typist if I rely on my inner thoughts to guide me. I could just type and type and type and go through all the things in my head, in my psyche as it happens. I Feel that this could be a potential for catharsis as i feel so much heaviness. Having a big 'brain dump' onto the keyboard may help. i'll try to practice this method in later dates and see how it goes.
My wrists are hurting so I'll stop posting for now.
Today I feel a certain heaviness weighing down on me. I feel it is from the realisation that my relationship is basically dead with my girlfriend. I feel a certain kind of heaviness and inner inadequacy. I feel a sense of being alone, isolated, and stuck in a void of which I cannot escape. I decided to carry on with my schedule fotday so far as to do something constructive. I also decided to go for a jog once I had finished all the things that I had shceduled for the day.
I have applied for an internship at this place that related to my work with the ADC, it is a mildly, vaguely academic kind of job but it won't make me have a PhD. I have been thinking through the hours of today and I have felt a big heavy sense of doubt and loss inside me. I feel a sense of giving up, I feel a sense of hopelessnes. i have been trying to fight this sense as much as I could today. I have been jogging, and I pushed myself a little bit further today, although I did not give it my all and run out of steam, as I felt self-conscious in the ghetto gym with all the people around using the machines. Most of the people who go to the ghetto gym normally go in a group.
Upon returning home i decided to piss about for a little while more, then eat, and then I decided to play the piano. I played introspectively, examining the pedagogy and the emotions of the pieces I have been playing. I have also been playing my old repetoire and I have been improving on my technique as every session passes. I am improving in my technique of piano and in my jogging. I have been actively reading more and listening to more podcasts. I am trying to keep to this system that I have created. in a sense, this system is a culmination of what I originally created during ym 'A' levels. This systmeatic line of thought and resasoning and organisation of my thoughts and actions into this comprehendable and indexically sorted manner gives my life structure even if it does not give it meaning.
I realise that I do not go off on digressions and dig up some kind of emotional significance to it, i have dulled my senses and ina a big sense i have just been struggling to get on with life and have essentially made my life a bit more boring.
It has been a very long time since I have been intensely typing in this manner as I have not been doing exegesis and I have always been careful about how I conduct my grammatical manner and syntax and spelling after my horrible dissertation revlation. As I type I realise that I am a fast typist if I rely on my inner thoughts to guide me. I could just type and type and type and go through all the things in my head, in my psyche as it happens. I Feel that this could be a potential for catharsis as i feel so much heaviness. Having a big 'brain dump' onto the keyboard may help. i'll try to practice this method in later dates and see how it goes.
My wrists are hurting so I'll stop posting for now.
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