Today I got up, at first, by my own instinct. I somtimes have a natural tendency to wake up by myself early, although normally, as in this case, I go back to sleep. Often I contemplate the option, seriously to stay up from the point that I get up and I can get more done and feel a greater sense of achievement, and a better sense of self esteem. I got back to bed, however. I quickly got up again, as the alarm on my phone went off. I lazed about a bit longer, getting back into the bed, laying there pretending to be awake. I then realised the point at which I could not possibly stay in bed any longer, so I had a shave, masturbated, and then put my clothes on. I responded to orgasm very quickly. I feel like masturbation is heartless and overly 'rational', when quick, however, it is not some act of self-love, and it is better than having a long one that takes away my time.
I put on my clothes. I was quite excited to put on my new base layer, it was cooler, being smaller, and more like a T-shirt. I noticed how thin it made me look, the deception of having lost a lot of weight was lost when I had some trouble in attempting to locate some trousers that had fitted. I got up early because I had an appointment with the doctor. I hurredly found a suitable pair of trousers that I wasn't 'too fat' for, and went off to the surgery. I later realised that the appointment was tomorrow, but I would never say that waking up early would be in vain.
I have an interview later for the volunteer role. I ought to plan my route and leave in good time to get there early. Maybe I'll get a job application or two under my belt before then. I'm just getting on, without too much thinking or feeling. I know that all that feeling stuff is hurtful and I know the patterns and 'tricks' my mind makes to depress me. I have all sorts of reasons to be depressed, but I need everything, all my resources and emotions and efforts to find a job.
I have trouble visualising the future. I feel like, my PhD dreams are as far away as they have ever been, and limbo has made me accustomed to the daily slog of being nothing and doing nothing. The social stigma of being unemployed and the lack of self-esteem I have. I think the onyl thing I'm looking forward to is the money that will come from my benefits, if the backdated order comes through. I'll buy a bike, and a new laptop, both of which I need. I feel like consumerism is my opiate. Having money and going into a shop, buying things, is my only respite and source of self-worth.
I might look if there are any psychotherapists about that don't charge (too much). That is the morning I have had; that is my zeitgeist.
According to my records. It is the two year anniversary to the day when I started purging, I stopped about a year (or 13 months) later. I spent a bit of effort in writing this post because I wanted to give a snapshot of my life now, and how things are different. I used to live in my memories, now I want to move from the things I lived through.
I put on my clothes. I was quite excited to put on my new base layer, it was cooler, being smaller, and more like a T-shirt. I noticed how thin it made me look, the deception of having lost a lot of weight was lost when I had some trouble in attempting to locate some trousers that had fitted. I got up early because I had an appointment with the doctor. I hurredly found a suitable pair of trousers that I wasn't 'too fat' for, and went off to the surgery. I later realised that the appointment was tomorrow, but I would never say that waking up early would be in vain.
I have an interview later for the volunteer role. I ought to plan my route and leave in good time to get there early. Maybe I'll get a job application or two under my belt before then. I'm just getting on, without too much thinking or feeling. I know that all that feeling stuff is hurtful and I know the patterns and 'tricks' my mind makes to depress me. I have all sorts of reasons to be depressed, but I need everything, all my resources and emotions and efforts to find a job.
I have trouble visualising the future. I feel like, my PhD dreams are as far away as they have ever been, and limbo has made me accustomed to the daily slog of being nothing and doing nothing. The social stigma of being unemployed and the lack of self-esteem I have. I think the onyl thing I'm looking forward to is the money that will come from my benefits, if the backdated order comes through. I'll buy a bike, and a new laptop, both of which I need. I feel like consumerism is my opiate. Having money and going into a shop, buying things, is my only respite and source of self-worth.
I might look if there are any psychotherapists about that don't charge (too much). That is the morning I have had; that is my zeitgeist.
According to my records. It is the two year anniversary to the day when I started purging, I stopped about a year (or 13 months) later. I spent a bit of effort in writing this post because I wanted to give a snapshot of my life now, and how things are different. I used to live in my memories, now I want to move from the things I lived through.
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