As you may very well know, I've been sending off for applications for jobs, internships, charity and voluntary work, and various freebie things ( HC2 exemption form and benefits)
Often when I am on this binge of applying for jobs, i am asked to provide information which may be on my CV already, or more specific things about my past. Such as being in the ADC and my role there. Thinking about the ADC and other things that upset me about that time. I feel like I have realised a few things about myself that I do not like. I hate how my body language and nervous tics make my true feelings apparent. I find nervousness and shame and embarrassment hard to deal with.
I remember when I was a child, when I went to, in my first year; there was a summer fayre towards the middle of july. There was a fancy dress competition and I realised this around the day before the fayre. What happened was that I took an interest in having a costume. I wanted to go as 'Bill and Ted' from the film that I saw. I wanted to dress like a cool dude, with the floppy hair and the rock music teenager look. I thought that it was cool, and that I would think highly of myself if I dressed in that way.
I attempted to communictate this intention of going into the fancy dress competition. My parents made me wear some lame-ass jeans that had some child like motif o make it obvious that I was abuot 5 years old and not the sexy man from the diet coke adverts. i didn't wear jeans very much for many years to come and I considered that they were the epitome of cool, I later thought that tracksuits and sports gear (read: Chav) were cool but that was in a different fashion era to now.
I think that I had a denim jacket as well, I thought that was really cool, having jeans was cool, but having denims was majorly cool. What really made my outfit 'cool' was a baseball cap, which the design of which I have no memory of now, but I recall it had some childhood corporate symbol on it.
I walked into the playground of the school on a weekend (unfamiliar territory for me). As I entered the playground I suddenly came to realise that the fancy dress procession had started, I went there thinking I would go into the fancy dress competition and win and put all the others in awe of my great costume. I went there intead, finding that the procession had not only started, but I was not in it, my parents had no intention of entering me into it, I had no Idea how to get into the competition, and my parents didn't really care either way if I got in or not, or even acknowledged that I wanted to go.
When I think about this memory, I realise my complete obliviousness to how reality works; my oblivious to the PhD application, I just automatically assumed that I would get in, that there was no grade issues about it, and that it would all sort itself out because I know that I am worthy otf it. The truth is this: I wasn't worthy of it, my grades didn't merit it, I was too busy chasing a stupid brooding gothinc girl with shallow intellectual credentials and I failed even before I stared. I realise now as I did then, that I never had a chance in the first place. I could blame the people around me like my parents who took no appreciation of my wish to get into the competition, or to help me out with it; but really its my own lack of appreciation of the underlying frameworks in which competitions and competitiveness occurs. Competition is fierce and I need to be able to beat the others and be better than them in order to move forward.
What often takes place is that I have a self-realisation within me that I was never good enough in the first place, that I had no chance and that I was an outsider who hopelessly and unsuccessfully tries to fit in.
I also realise that I can't go jogging again today as some kind of emotional catharsis on account that my legs need time to heal and I need to take care of my body to effectively excercise.
Often when I am on this binge of applying for jobs, i am asked to provide information which may be on my CV already, or more specific things about my past. Such as being in the ADC and my role there. Thinking about the ADC and other things that upset me about that time. I feel like I have realised a few things about myself that I do not like. I hate how my body language and nervous tics make my true feelings apparent. I find nervousness and shame and embarrassment hard to deal with.
I remember when I was a child, when I went to, in my first year; there was a summer fayre towards the middle of july. There was a fancy dress competition and I realised this around the day before the fayre. What happened was that I took an interest in having a costume. I wanted to go as 'Bill and Ted' from the film that I saw. I wanted to dress like a cool dude, with the floppy hair and the rock music teenager look. I thought that it was cool, and that I would think highly of myself if I dressed in that way.
I attempted to communictate this intention of going into the fancy dress competition. My parents made me wear some lame-ass jeans that had some child like motif o make it obvious that I was abuot 5 years old and not the sexy man from the diet coke adverts. i didn't wear jeans very much for many years to come and I considered that they were the epitome of cool, I later thought that tracksuits and sports gear (read: Chav) were cool but that was in a different fashion era to now.
I think that I had a denim jacket as well, I thought that was really cool, having jeans was cool, but having denims was majorly cool. What really made my outfit 'cool' was a baseball cap, which the design of which I have no memory of now, but I recall it had some childhood corporate symbol on it.
I walked into the playground of the school on a weekend (unfamiliar territory for me). As I entered the playground I suddenly came to realise that the fancy dress procession had started, I went there thinking I would go into the fancy dress competition and win and put all the others in awe of my great costume. I went there intead, finding that the procession had not only started, but I was not in it, my parents had no intention of entering me into it, I had no Idea how to get into the competition, and my parents didn't really care either way if I got in or not, or even acknowledged that I wanted to go.
When I think about this memory, I realise my complete obliviousness to how reality works; my oblivious to the PhD application, I just automatically assumed that I would get in, that there was no grade issues about it, and that it would all sort itself out because I know that I am worthy otf it. The truth is this: I wasn't worthy of it, my grades didn't merit it, I was too busy chasing a stupid brooding gothinc girl with shallow intellectual credentials and I failed even before I stared. I realise now as I did then, that I never had a chance in the first place. I could blame the people around me like my parents who took no appreciation of my wish to get into the competition, or to help me out with it; but really its my own lack of appreciation of the underlying frameworks in which competitions and competitiveness occurs. Competition is fierce and I need to be able to beat the others and be better than them in order to move forward.
What often takes place is that I have a self-realisation within me that I was never good enough in the first place, that I had no chance and that I was an outsider who hopelessly and unsuccessfully tries to fit in.
I also realise that I can't go jogging again today as some kind of emotional catharsis on account that my legs need time to heal and I need to take care of my body to effectively excercise.
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