When I was depressed for about 4 years, life seemed a lot more melodramatic. I suppose I was the only one to see the world in that way, and other depressives too, I add.
I feel that I have blogged a lot less because I have less motivation to do so. I don't feel as much distress and I am wary of putting myself into situations that depress, trigger or make me anxious. I suppose my former 'daring' nature is now to be seen as foolish.
I have three observations:
1. Emo pictures: in early 2007 when facebook was new and cool in the UK for university students, before the uncool people joined, or high school kids, your parents, lecturers, uncles, cousins and fake weirdo posers; i didn't have any sense of etiquette or protocol. I also noticed that (due to my lack of friends) I didn't have many pictures; I thought that pictures reflected self-image and reputation. So thus I thought few pictures = uncool. Now I feel that too many pictures = poser and few pictures are critically and decidedly added and tagged. So, what I noticed back then was that I made a whole gallery on my own, well three actually. One consisted of pictures accumulated over 3 years, the other was pictures of my room and stuff i thought was 'cool'. The third gallery consisted of self-taken pictures. I also made some of them into MSN profile pics.
One of my friends who I have since abandoned (regrettably I might add), said that those pictures were self-indulgent, evocative of an obvious construction of a self-image that I was trying to portray of myself (ie deep, emotional, sensitive, contemplative, loner etc...) and called me 'emo' (that word seems to sum up all of those things he said when he said it). I found it difficult to accept what he said and I thought that he didn't have a clue cos he had even less firends than me and was even less attractive than me. That said, I was being defensive. I think that he was right.
I spent much frustration and effort in trying to construct pictures that didn't make me look fat, so I showed only my face (from above), altered the colour or lighting so that it would make shadows hide my obesity; I wore heavy clothes and formless clothes and i tried doing poses where my formless and heavy clothes were hanging over so that it didn't show how fat I was.
I dont think I amounted to very much as a person. I didn't get my grade viii in piano, I wasn't very good at the piano, really; and I argued quite badly in my essays. Lets not forget my horrible grammar as well. After some reflection, I pretty much suck as a person back then, and I suck quite a bit now. I feel a sense of dissatisfaction if I do not eat something that is fattening and deliciously unhealthy. I feel it is like having sex without the orgasm. I used to think of eating vegetables in a similar way. I also want to avoid my flatmates and social contact with them, particularly the 'awkward questions' (why are you in a student house when you are an unemployed non-student who should have a job and shouldn't be living in a student house?
2. I am quite fat now: I blame myself and accept the blame. Now I must make a change about it. Also, I think that my daily weighing ritual has been misplaced; I have been using a 'magic spot' in my room that makes me appear lighter than I actually am. I tried the scales in a different environment and then another part of the room (probably where there isn't a slope in the carpet/wood floor) and what I had found is that I'm about 15lbs heavier than my readings had said. SHIT! I must be persistent in my pursuit of weight loss, otherwise the weight I lost during my bulimic phase will be for nought. It seems that everything from that period of my life amounted to nothing, and impacted on my current situation of being nothing.
3. I feel somewhat obsessive about my last.fm profile and 'scrobbles'. I have this high number of scrobbles (and its on my top 6) of this random band that I listened to a few months back. It is this fairly obscure but influential american indie band, and I hate the fact that it is counted as my 'top artist' because I listened to all their albums. Granted that I have only been using the service properly for nearly 6 months and it has not registered the fact that I have been quite the conosseur of music since 2007, I don't feel that last.fm at this current time is representative of my overall musical tastes. Well, that said, I do add the caveat that I listened to about 5.5 thousand songs in 2 months, I dont' feel that it reflects that I listen very much to the music that I actually like; rather, the music that I actually listen to! (I'm like that, I suppose).
I don't think I'll be posting for quite a while; I am going off to see my girlfriend to do my talk, and then I will be going home for a family event/jog session with mates/attempting to drive, then I'll be going back to prepare for the festival and then, the festival. I'll be properly back maybe from the 4th June. I guess this counts as a holiday in my miserable life. I think, however, that I never want to have a holiday in my life again once I have gotten a job...
I feel that I have blogged a lot less because I have less motivation to do so. I don't feel as much distress and I am wary of putting myself into situations that depress, trigger or make me anxious. I suppose my former 'daring' nature is now to be seen as foolish.
I have three observations:
1. Emo pictures: in early 2007 when facebook was new and cool in the UK for university students, before the uncool people joined, or high school kids, your parents, lecturers, uncles, cousins and fake weirdo posers; i didn't have any sense of etiquette or protocol. I also noticed that (due to my lack of friends) I didn't have many pictures; I thought that pictures reflected self-image and reputation. So thus I thought few pictures = uncool. Now I feel that too many pictures = poser and few pictures are critically and decidedly added and tagged. So, what I noticed back then was that I made a whole gallery on my own, well three actually. One consisted of pictures accumulated over 3 years, the other was pictures of my room and stuff i thought was 'cool'. The third gallery consisted of self-taken pictures. I also made some of them into MSN profile pics.
One of my friends who I have since abandoned (regrettably I might add), said that those pictures were self-indulgent, evocative of an obvious construction of a self-image that I was trying to portray of myself (ie deep, emotional, sensitive, contemplative, loner etc...) and called me 'emo' (that word seems to sum up all of those things he said when he said it). I found it difficult to accept what he said and I thought that he didn't have a clue cos he had even less firends than me and was even less attractive than me. That said, I was being defensive. I think that he was right.
I spent much frustration and effort in trying to construct pictures that didn't make me look fat, so I showed only my face (from above), altered the colour or lighting so that it would make shadows hide my obesity; I wore heavy clothes and formless clothes and i tried doing poses where my formless and heavy clothes were hanging over so that it didn't show how fat I was.
I dont think I amounted to very much as a person. I didn't get my grade viii in piano, I wasn't very good at the piano, really; and I argued quite badly in my essays. Lets not forget my horrible grammar as well. After some reflection, I pretty much suck as a person back then, and I suck quite a bit now. I feel a sense of dissatisfaction if I do not eat something that is fattening and deliciously unhealthy. I feel it is like having sex without the orgasm. I used to think of eating vegetables in a similar way. I also want to avoid my flatmates and social contact with them, particularly the 'awkward questions' (why are you in a student house when you are an unemployed non-student who should have a job and shouldn't be living in a student house?
2. I am quite fat now: I blame myself and accept the blame. Now I must make a change about it. Also, I think that my daily weighing ritual has been misplaced; I have been using a 'magic spot' in my room that makes me appear lighter than I actually am. I tried the scales in a different environment and then another part of the room (probably where there isn't a slope in the carpet/wood floor) and what I had found is that I'm about 15lbs heavier than my readings had said. SHIT! I must be persistent in my pursuit of weight loss, otherwise the weight I lost during my bulimic phase will be for nought. It seems that everything from that period of my life amounted to nothing, and impacted on my current situation of being nothing.
3. I feel somewhat obsessive about my last.fm profile and 'scrobbles'. I have this high number of scrobbles (and its on my top 6) of this random band that I listened to a few months back. It is this fairly obscure but influential american indie band, and I hate the fact that it is counted as my 'top artist' because I listened to all their albums. Granted that I have only been using the service properly for nearly 6 months and it has not registered the fact that I have been quite the conosseur of music since 2007, I don't feel that last.fm at this current time is representative of my overall musical tastes. Well, that said, I do add the caveat that I listened to about 5.5 thousand songs in 2 months, I dont' feel that it reflects that I listen very much to the music that I actually like; rather, the music that I actually listen to! (I'm like that, I suppose).
I don't think I'll be posting for quite a while; I am going off to see my girlfriend to do my talk, and then I will be going home for a family event/jog session with mates/attempting to drive, then I'll be going back to prepare for the festival and then, the festival. I'll be properly back maybe from the 4th June. I guess this counts as a holiday in my miserable life. I think, however, that I never want to have a holiday in my life again once I have gotten a job...
No comments:
Post a Comment