Monday, May 4, 2009

Secrets

I have secrets. I keep networks of friencds whom which I tell some things, but not everything. I suppose if they all came together, then what would happen is that all the interlocking and overlapping pictures and facts of me would construct who I really am.

Here are some secrets:

1. I talked to marie with a fake msn account. She doesn't know that it is me. I think that I will continue to speak to her in this way. I don't know why I am doing this; I know that no good will come of it and it won't improve anything in my life I think that I am inviting disaster into my life.

2. I'm losing who I am, perhaps, I have already lost it. I am, at the core of my being, changing into a normal person.

3. I've been happier lately. I hate that word, I feel that life changes so much that claiming happiness is impossible. I think maybe, that after some time has passed, I can truly know when I was happy. To that end, I supose happiness is possible only as a reflective activity, not something to be genuinely experienced in the instant, a phenomenological thing.

Tomorrow I should prepare another application and get on with things in my to-do list. I should get up early and start my life.

I'm back home with my parents. My current peeve is that I have a collection of my most proud books, and my parents seem unwilling to acknowledge my intellectual passion. Yesterday was a nice day; travelling home; seeing my nephew, and spending time with my brother. My brother is a bit down lately due to his breakup. Acting weird is perhaps a sign of his affectation, but  I'll try to be silent and supportive. I think that is the kind of person that I am.

In other news, I haven't been attending to my online support group lately. It is almost like I abandoned or forgotten it. The facebook explosion is soon to reach an entropy. I have been too lax with my insomniac tendencies, it is as if I stayed up all winter until the summer sun had arisen.

I think my body looks a bit different from the weight loss, but only slightly. I'm two steps forward, one step back in terms of my progress. I feel a lot of indifference about getting things to change and also getting to do some writing, especially for this site. I must make a conscious effort to sleep instead of procrastinate.

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