I'm angry. Angry at myself, angry at my life, angry at other people's situations. Angry that other people have gone so far in their lives and angry that I HAVE NOT GONE ANYWHERE.
I am angry that I have not really been angry in so very long. I am angry that I force this imposed attitude upon myself. I am angry that I have come to realise my own limitations and my own flaws at a time when I could have had a chance at getting a PhD.
I'm angry, and my decision is that I will let it pass over me. Let tomorrow come. Let the anger go.
I want resolution and I feel that every word that I write in this blog is forced, I feel that I am ineloquent and inarticulate because I have lost a sense of self or identity in writing. I feel that I am foring myself to write, forcing myself to express this. I want to write words that will say something like: I seek resolution.
I want to say something, I have that feeling in my throat. I wonder if it's a question, a statement, an expletive, or an onomatopoaea (sic). Why has my life ended up in this way? Why am I not 8 months through a PhD or MPhil degree already? Why am I in my parents house living on handouts without a job and not in university? Why am I not where I wanted to be?
Self-resentment, I think, will not help me. It is an emotional reaction that I feel strong in me, and that somthing that I feel inclination to express the most.
I saw a contemporary from my old MA cohort, with his own website; teaching, with a blog on all his courses, his research, and stating the fact that he has two prestigious professors and government funding attached to his project. I'm jealous, if I'm honest, but if I'm more honest. I'm angry at myself. I'm trying not to accept that I am hurt by this. Do I let these thoughts in my head right now pass and try to sleep?
I am angry that I have not really been angry in so very long. I am angry that I force this imposed attitude upon myself. I am angry that I have come to realise my own limitations and my own flaws at a time when I could have had a chance at getting a PhD.
I'm angry, and my decision is that I will let it pass over me. Let tomorrow come. Let the anger go.
I want resolution and I feel that every word that I write in this blog is forced, I feel that I am ineloquent and inarticulate because I have lost a sense of self or identity in writing. I feel that I am foring myself to write, forcing myself to express this. I want to write words that will say something like: I seek resolution.
I want to say something, I have that feeling in my throat. I wonder if it's a question, a statement, an expletive, or an onomatopoaea (sic). Why has my life ended up in this way? Why am I not 8 months through a PhD or MPhil degree already? Why am I in my parents house living on handouts without a job and not in university? Why am I not where I wanted to be?
Self-resentment, I think, will not help me. It is an emotional reaction that I feel strong in me, and that somthing that I feel inclination to express the most.
I saw a contemporary from my old MA cohort, with his own website; teaching, with a blog on all his courses, his research, and stating the fact that he has two prestigious professors and government funding attached to his project. I'm jealous, if I'm honest, but if I'm more honest. I'm angry at myself. I'm trying not to accept that I am hurt by this. Do I let these thoughts in my head right now pass and try to sleep?
1 comment:
Dont you think that its just time that you got over all of this self pity and just got on with it?
Life is not a rehearsal after all and you seem to be wasting a lot of time being angry and not achieving anything.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just, GET ON WITH LIVING!
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