(Written 22:03 28/02/2009)
I've been picked up by my parents to visit some long-time family friends this weekend, then coming home to my original birthplace home (as opposed to my student home). Returning home is an uncertain experience. Sometimes you say how you feel about something with the most honesty, and then realise being honest to yourself is the worst possible thing you could ever do.
I realise that the flaws I have are quite the same flaws that I see in other people. I see them as I see my own; often it is the opposite: in people that one hates, one always sees fault, which often reflect one's own faults.
Not talking
In others...
My sister does not talk to my dad. In my living memory, I have never seen her talk to him, except in serious conflicts they are in close vicinity. There seems to be an unforgivable hatred of my father, I don't know why, or how it happened; I know only of two things that I can reasonably guess about it. Firstly, it was about when my sister was between 7-10 years old; and secondly, it was not sexual abuse.
My family does not talk to my one of my aunt's (dad's brother's wife) after my uncle died. Apparently, my cousin of my age (who is estranged) is not only engaged to be married and has a child, but only my brother had been invited to the wedding.
Resentment (the filipino in me)
This is something I saw last night, not in my parents so strongly but a guest of the people whose house I am staying with. There was this one Filipino woman (my mother is Filipino) who was a friend of the two friends that we are staying with this weekend. This Filipino gues was going off on a rant about the inferiority of white people; how Filipino and they are superior to other people; and how threatens violence to her work colleagues. My mother has a friend who also similar (so my mum testimented on the next day) to this; she is often described to me as a singleton. Dita only goes out with white people (this is not said, but is tacitly assumed that her attitude is that she thinks white men are the only suitable sexual and romantic conquest for a 'superior' Filipino).
My mum mentioned Dita some time back. My mum said that Dita doesn't return phone calls or mail: she is probably blocking selected people out of her life and wants to lay low from her old friends. I get the impression that she is not in very stable relationships (since they eventually and inevitably end), and is a very lonely person. She probably has a regularly rotating circle of friends.
This assumption is based on an academic guess, but also, following my own experiences and another friend who I knew some time back.
Circulating friends
It is a flaw in people to avoid stable friendships and long-term relationships by regularly circulating friends and the appearance of being accessible, pleasant and rowdy. This is the character profile of the party animal, the maniac, the life of the party-person, and some formerly good friends of mine. These people seem really friendly, really cool, seemingly have loads of friends; but the ironic reality is that no one really knows them, or even cares. Marie was like this, I recall this just as I write this post, but I am thinking of an older friend of mine, Silvio.
Silvio used to be a good friend of mine at secondary school; until sixth form college we were one of a few peas in a big pod. Silvio started hanging around with lots of girls, we still hooked up and went out at bigger events, but in those events I was the outer of the group. I was at the party, but not really part of it. I was invited but never really paid any attention to. Sitting on my own at a party is basically the story of my teenage life.
I'm the guy at a party who was not brave enough to talk to new strangers, put myself off as always re-hashing old issues because of familiarity bringing comfort; and I was filled with lingering self-resentment that reflects on looking like resentment of other people.
The flaw that I may have is that I sometimes associate with a group of people who I eventually have nothing to do with after a period of time like a year, but in the pinnacle of those relationships, we are like 'bros'.
Shit stirring
Talking badly of other people is basically my forte. I used to find resistance to change, having an attitude like 'anything but that'. That kind of attitude also led me not to be willing to change who i was, or challenge who and what I was. That kind of attitude did not foster a propensity to improve or change for the better. I heard this Filipino guest (the one who threatened her colleague) talking a lot of shit about people, talking badly of certain other people who they disliked and whom they wished to associate with less.
While this was represensible, I found perhaps more disturbing was how my parents talked them afterwards in not unlike the same way. How this person was so rude to have been talking shit about all these people and how it was unacceptable, my parents more or less tolerated what was said last night, while not necessarily agreeing or adding to this shit-stirring; they were bad-mouthing a certain couple that involved a white-filipino partnership.
This is a big flaw of mine too. I think that I need to get over myself and stop this bad habit. I really do need to stop it and change; like how my weight is managed by excercise, I act to fight my inner darkness and faults. This too, I must improve upon.
Poor grasp/control of english
Because my parents are immigrants, I might give some exception to their situation, but I want to blame my parents for my bad grasp of English, the poor grammar and no insistence on grammatical correctness, proper pronunciation, proper spelling, adequate mastery of syntax and a respectable lexicon. Instead, my parents chastise me if I seem to exhibit any sense of improvement or unfamiliar sense and grasp of the English language.
I often feel like I am being punished or criticised for having a better understanding of English than them. There are varied responses but they are similar form:
1. Retreat: I am not English so I don't need to talk proper English
2. Defensive: Just because you have such-and-such an education does not make you better than us
3. Defensive 2: We taught you how to walk and brought you up, treat us with respect
[N.B] I'm going to proofread this piece before I send it
Not accepting that you create your own situation
I kind of implicitly did this in the previous section (to invoke my own sense of hypocrisy and my own candidacy for this flaw), but I shall be explicit. Blaming other people, the social situation, family and other such 'circumstances' is an infamous safety zone to defend yourself as a failure as a person or a failure in life. This deflection in itself is a flaw.
Percieved lies:
I'm fat because I never have time to excercise
(I'm fat because) Gym costs a lot of money
I'm fat because of genetics
I'm fat because of my parents
Actual attitudes:
I'm afraid of trying new things
I don't want to
I'm scared to accept that I can change my life (this is a hard fact to accept)
I don't believe I can change/I don't have enough willpower to change my situation, despite the fact that I hate my present situation
I have made excuses to my family and friends:
1. The credit crunch has had implications to how projects in postgraduate courses work
2. The faculty rejected me because of university quotas
3. I am unemployed because of the recession (= I am not putting enough effort)
4. I am a valid, normal, and acceptable human being who should not be questioned of integrity/The recession is to blame for my problems
Summary
Let me sumarise my faults:
1. I must accept my own faults and not blame others for my situation (where reasonable)
2. Resenting people
3. Avoiding my good longterm friends
4. Shit-stirring
5. Poor grasp of english
I've been picked up by my parents to visit some long-time family friends this weekend, then coming home to my original birthplace home (as opposed to my student home). Returning home is an uncertain experience. Sometimes you say how you feel about something with the most honesty, and then realise being honest to yourself is the worst possible thing you could ever do.
I realise that the flaws I have are quite the same flaws that I see in other people. I see them as I see my own; often it is the opposite: in people that one hates, one always sees fault, which often reflect one's own faults.
Not talking
In others...
My sister does not talk to my dad. In my living memory, I have never seen her talk to him, except in serious conflicts they are in close vicinity. There seems to be an unforgivable hatred of my father, I don't know why, or how it happened; I know only of two things that I can reasonably guess about it. Firstly, it was about when my sister was between 7-10 years old; and secondly, it was not sexual abuse.
My family does not talk to my one of my aunt's (dad's brother's wife) after my uncle died. Apparently, my cousin of my age (who is estranged) is not only engaged to be married and has a child, but only my brother had been invited to the wedding.
Resentment (the filipino in me)
This is something I saw last night, not in my parents so strongly but a guest of the people whose house I am staying with. There was this one Filipino woman (my mother is Filipino) who was a friend of the two friends that we are staying with this weekend. This Filipino gues was going off on a rant about the inferiority of white people; how Filipino and they are superior to other people; and how threatens violence to her work colleagues. My mother has a friend who also similar (so my mum testimented on the next day) to this; she is often described to me as a singleton. Dita only goes out with white people (this is not said, but is tacitly assumed that her attitude is that she thinks white men are the only suitable sexual and romantic conquest for a 'superior' Filipino).
My mum mentioned Dita some time back. My mum said that Dita doesn't return phone calls or mail: she is probably blocking selected people out of her life and wants to lay low from her old friends. I get the impression that she is not in very stable relationships (since they eventually and inevitably end), and is a very lonely person. She probably has a regularly rotating circle of friends.
This assumption is based on an academic guess, but also, following my own experiences and another friend who I knew some time back.
Circulating friends
It is a flaw in people to avoid stable friendships and long-term relationships by regularly circulating friends and the appearance of being accessible, pleasant and rowdy. This is the character profile of the party animal, the maniac, the life of the party-person, and some formerly good friends of mine. These people seem really friendly, really cool, seemingly have loads of friends; but the ironic reality is that no one really knows them, or even cares. Marie was like this, I recall this just as I write this post, but I am thinking of an older friend of mine, Silvio.
Silvio used to be a good friend of mine at secondary school; until sixth form college we were one of a few peas in a big pod. Silvio started hanging around with lots of girls, we still hooked up and went out at bigger events, but in those events I was the outer of the group. I was at the party, but not really part of it. I was invited but never really paid any attention to. Sitting on my own at a party is basically the story of my teenage life.
I'm the guy at a party who was not brave enough to talk to new strangers, put myself off as always re-hashing old issues because of familiarity bringing comfort; and I was filled with lingering self-resentment that reflects on looking like resentment of other people.
The flaw that I may have is that I sometimes associate with a group of people who I eventually have nothing to do with after a period of time like a year, but in the pinnacle of those relationships, we are like 'bros'.
Shit stirring
Talking badly of other people is basically my forte. I used to find resistance to change, having an attitude like 'anything but that'. That kind of attitude also led me not to be willing to change who i was, or challenge who and what I was. That kind of attitude did not foster a propensity to improve or change for the better. I heard this Filipino guest (the one who threatened her colleague) talking a lot of shit about people, talking badly of certain other people who they disliked and whom they wished to associate with less.
While this was represensible, I found perhaps more disturbing was how my parents talked them afterwards in not unlike the same way. How this person was so rude to have been talking shit about all these people and how it was unacceptable, my parents more or less tolerated what was said last night, while not necessarily agreeing or adding to this shit-stirring; they were bad-mouthing a certain couple that involved a white-filipino partnership.
This is a big flaw of mine too. I think that I need to get over myself and stop this bad habit. I really do need to stop it and change; like how my weight is managed by excercise, I act to fight my inner darkness and faults. This too, I must improve upon.
Poor grasp/control of english
Because my parents are immigrants, I might give some exception to their situation, but I want to blame my parents for my bad grasp of English, the poor grammar and no insistence on grammatical correctness, proper pronunciation, proper spelling, adequate mastery of syntax and a respectable lexicon. Instead, my parents chastise me if I seem to exhibit any sense of improvement or unfamiliar sense and grasp of the English language.
I often feel like I am being punished or criticised for having a better understanding of English than them. There are varied responses but they are similar form:
1. Retreat: I am not English so I don't need to talk proper English
2. Defensive: Just because you have such-and-such an education does not make you better than us
3. Defensive 2: We taught you how to walk and brought you up, treat us with respect
[N.B] I'm going to proofread this piece before I send it
Not accepting that you create your own situation
I kind of implicitly did this in the previous section (to invoke my own sense of hypocrisy and my own candidacy for this flaw), but I shall be explicit. Blaming other people, the social situation, family and other such 'circumstances' is an infamous safety zone to defend yourself as a failure as a person or a failure in life. This deflection in itself is a flaw.
Percieved lies:
I'm fat because I never have time to excercise
(I'm fat because) Gym costs a lot of money
I'm fat because of genetics
I'm fat because of my parents
Actual attitudes:
I'm afraid of trying new things
I don't want to
I'm scared to accept that I can change my life (this is a hard fact to accept)
I don't believe I can change/I don't have enough willpower to change my situation, despite the fact that I hate my present situation
I have made excuses to my family and friends:
1. The credit crunch has had implications to how projects in postgraduate courses work
2. The faculty rejected me because of university quotas
3. I am unemployed because of the recession (= I am not putting enough effort)
4. I am a valid, normal, and acceptable human being who should not be questioned of integrity/The recession is to blame for my problems
Summary
Let me sumarise my faults:
1. I must accept my own faults and not blame others for my situation (where reasonable)
2. Resenting people
3. Avoiding my good longterm friends
4. Shit-stirring
5. Poor grasp of english
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