Today, I have been travelling to an from the south of england to the north. From esturary accents to geordie accents. Geordies scare me. I pass york train station; a place that looked familiar...
Besides from that, I have been travelling for the most part of the day. I have een doing maybe about 12 hours travelling, of which 4 hours walking, and 8 hours sitting. The comfort of the sitting compared to my past experiences reminds me of an experience in the not so distant past. York train station looks like the place I was back then...
The year was 2007. I may or may not have startedd writing the conatus blog. Before I started my masters degree I bearly had found a place to live, in fact, I hadn't found a place to live. I was very anxious and very out of control in that I couldn't find a flat that would let me live there. I am in a similar istuation.
Skip back to 2006. he same thing happened. my formerly best friend, had rejeted me from living with him in the 3rd year. DIdnt' think I was good enough to live with him; didn't think i was gong to o a masters degree. I rushed so much to find a place to live, that I went into the first place that would have me. I was in such a hurry, such a worry, that I lived in a horrifically small place.
Anyway, bac to september 2007. I was in the train station of my university town; I was there not as a student, but a prospective postgraduate. I was a nomad, I was an outsider. The feeling I had
was one of complete despair, lonliness, inadequacy, isolation.
I think I may have started purging from then.
I felt alone
I felt homeless
I felt cold (because I missed a train)
I felt stupid (see above)
I felt anxious (because I didn't know when I would expect the next train, I was cold, and I was not in conrol.)
I was all alone.
I was sad.
It was a sad time in which I lived back thn. I was very fat, and I think, my clothes characterise the time in which I was in.
Today I wear an S size Gap t-shirt of stretch quality, so that it tugs onto my skin. I am wearing my 34' waist jeans, my boots, and my tissot watch that I got as a present for my sister's wedding and also a congratulatory present pertaining to my graduation.
I am just wearing my t-shirt, although I also have a corduroy jacket (which is actually a present for my brother that he never wore...I bought him a smaller "medium" sized on, which I now wear and is big for me.
I now wear a small sizzed stretch shirt; I had a shirt at home, a white shirt that I used to call "the tight shirt" It made me feel fat and very inadequate. Such inadequacy I felt, it was a white shirt, a white shirt was one that made me look evn more fat compared to darker colours.
Yesterday I met that menaing shirt, as I was at home for the weekend. The menacing shirt I defeated; it was so huge, even though it made me feel miserable and inadequate for being tight to me back in the day. I have defeated the shirt that once made me look fat. Now it makesm e look fat because the shirt is baggy, the irony aforementioned in previous posts is that tighter makes me look thinner, creases make me look fat.
What did I wear on that day? I wore a t-shirt, hidden in a shirt, I think. or a jumper that hides my fat. I also wore this big green jacket that I wore in 2006. I bought it after the "incarceration". I felt the jacket looked good on me, and it marked a moment of time, it looked smart, a little military, and also a little bit dark.
It was a nice jacket, one which I wear no more. for its size is xxxl. I wear XS sometimes now...
Have things changed?
I'm no longer a virgin
I can have a girlfriend if I wanted to
I am not terribly academically inadequate
I am not as fat
I am not as ugly
I have changed inside
The 'bad memories' haven't gone away, but affect me in a different way
Anger consumes me less, but isn't completely gone
More positives for sure, but I have many more negatives to fight, the loss of Marie is something I will have to fight inside me.
If I had a choice, would I remove the memories of Marie?
Its a hard question, deep pain vs. hope....
Perhaps one necessarily entails the other, but is it worth it?
I love her.
Besides from that, I have been travelling for the most part of the day. I have een doing maybe about 12 hours travelling, of which 4 hours walking, and 8 hours sitting. The comfort of the sitting compared to my past experiences reminds me of an experience in the not so distant past. York train station looks like the place I was back then...
The year was 2007. I may or may not have startedd writing the conatus blog. Before I started my masters degree I bearly had found a place to live, in fact, I hadn't found a place to live. I was very anxious and very out of control in that I couldn't find a flat that would let me live there. I am in a similar istuation.
Skip back to 2006. he same thing happened. my formerly best friend, had rejeted me from living with him in the 3rd year. DIdnt' think I was good enough to live with him; didn't think i was gong to o a masters degree. I rushed so much to find a place to live, that I went into the first place that would have me. I was in such a hurry, such a worry, that I lived in a horrifically small place.
Anyway, bac to september 2007. I was in the train station of my university town; I was there not as a student, but a prospective postgraduate. I was a nomad, I was an outsider. The feeling I had
was one of complete despair, lonliness, inadequacy, isolation.
I think I may have started purging from then.
I felt alone
I felt homeless
I felt cold (because I missed a train)
I felt stupid (see above)
I felt anxious (because I didn't know when I would expect the next train, I was cold, and I was not in conrol.)
I was all alone.
I was sad.
It was a sad time in which I lived back thn. I was very fat, and I think, my clothes characterise the time in which I was in.
Today I wear an S size Gap t-shirt of stretch quality, so that it tugs onto my skin. I am wearing my 34' waist jeans, my boots, and my tissot watch that I got as a present for my sister's wedding and also a congratulatory present pertaining to my graduation.
I am just wearing my t-shirt, although I also have a corduroy jacket (which is actually a present for my brother that he never wore...I bought him a smaller "medium" sized on, which I now wear and is big for me.
I now wear a small sizzed stretch shirt; I had a shirt at home, a white shirt that I used to call "the tight shirt" It made me feel fat and very inadequate. Such inadequacy I felt, it was a white shirt, a white shirt was one that made me look evn more fat compared to darker colours.
Yesterday I met that menaing shirt, as I was at home for the weekend. The menacing shirt I defeated; it was so huge, even though it made me feel miserable and inadequate for being tight to me back in the day. I have defeated the shirt that once made me look fat. Now it makesm e look fat because the shirt is baggy, the irony aforementioned in previous posts is that tighter makes me look thinner, creases make me look fat.
What did I wear on that day? I wore a t-shirt, hidden in a shirt, I think. or a jumper that hides my fat. I also wore this big green jacket that I wore in 2006. I bought it after the "incarceration". I felt the jacket looked good on me, and it marked a moment of time, it looked smart, a little military, and also a little bit dark.
It was a nice jacket, one which I wear no more. for its size is xxxl. I wear XS sometimes now...
Have things changed?
I'm no longer a virgin
I can have a girlfriend if I wanted to
I am not terribly academically inadequate
I am not as fat
I am not as ugly
I have changed inside
The 'bad memories' haven't gone away, but affect me in a different way
Anger consumes me less, but isn't completely gone
More positives for sure, but I have many more negatives to fight, the loss of Marie is something I will have to fight inside me.
If I had a choice, would I remove the memories of Marie?
Its a hard question, deep pain vs. hope....
Perhaps one necessarily entails the other, but is it worth it?
I love her.
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