Hello me,

This is a diary entry but also going to be a futureme letter to myself in the future.

It's 3am on a Tuesday. 2021. This transphobia thing is really eating me from the inside out. I can't sleep normal hours. I'm wide awake after mightnight and exhausted during the day. I did sleep a good amount lately to my credit. Its important to have enough sleep. I won't say its too much as it is within the 'healthy' range. 12 hours would be too much. 

I cannot help but remember the dark times of 2006. It casts a shadow in the way that the November afternoons are pregnant with the evening dark. I am not in the best way at the moment. I'm keeping in as good spirits as I can. I had a nice beef curry on Monday. Mum made it. I got her the beef from Waitrose. It had a good softness. It was dry aged beef chunks. Mum used it for soup a while back. It's magical stuff.

I got Halo infinite multiplayer just a moment ago. I started playing it. I was reliving the fond memories of playing Halo Reach in 2010-2011 or so. It was a moment in time that felt good. I remember my work situation. Still working at Shambly Arena (what I call it for this blog) before I worked at 'The Sentinel'. It's come to 8years working at the Sentinel. What a journey. 

I'm on the precipice of getting old now. I'm 35. My knee is fucked, my metabolism isn't what it was. I'm also eating a lot of crap. I'm heavily involved in some advocacy work outside of work and its very meaningful to me. It involves a lot of research. 

I had a couple of memories just now. The amstrad computer dad got for me and Edwin. I remember it being so advanced and the keyboard looked dated by now's standards but I still feel an element of it in my current keyboard. The spongy keycaps and the odd sound of the travel. very much a bit of nostalgia from my present day 3060 machine. 

Another memory. 1997, the smell of the tuck shop. 30p for a pack of wheat crunchies. Wheat Crunchis, I'm just eating a pack now. isn't that one of the most bloody English of crisps ever. 

It's 3:45. I ought to try and go to bed. 

I dare ask what your life is like. I think I don't want to know. I see other peoples lives moving so quickly and mine is stuck. I'm so exhausted. I have a feeling of resignation. Like Adorno's essay, 'Resignation'.

0346

16/11/2021