Dear Diary,

There was a time maybe 7 years ago when I dreamed of having a full time job, a contract. It was so far out of reach that I couldn't grasp what such a life would be.

Cut to this week. I had a chat with my bosses this week who said to me. In true sentinel fashion (the Sentinel has a reputation for being incompetent with paperwork); we forgot to tell you that you have been promoted and we have decided to give you a pay rise.

"...In recognition of your stellar work, all of your colleagues and I are so happy with the amazing level of dedication you give to this company. We believe that you deserve this pay rise far beyond the union agreed amount".

I froze. My autism self had this deer in the headlights expression.

Is this really happening? I didn't actually think that. I was actually thinking: god today is so busy. Last week I discovered that my pay rise was far higher than originally planned. By Wedensday I'm already walking on those thoughts and I've changed my email handle and everything.

It feel so good looking at that new email handle. I have so many words in my job title:

-----
In Conatus
Senior Editor's attache (data & visuals, creative and pop culture magazine)
Inconatus@thesentinel.net
0203 999 9999

It doesn't feel real.

It also feels like a recognition that my age is distinctly and increasingly an issue. Today at the gym I felt so slow, tired and inflexible, it upset me a bit and I was in a semi lucid state. I left the 2nd class early.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't hit 20,000 steps. I felt like a failure because I didn't hit 2000kcal in my workout.

Then I stepped back and thought: I did hit 16,000 steps which is a damn sight higher than most days in the week. I also thought: I did do 1800kcal on a school night. I normally only do the higher cal exercises during the weekend days when I don't have a job to attend to. It's harder to give my blood in a workout when I've already had a day of work.

There are these younger people in my classes. They are insufferably hopeful, they have all their future and brightness ahead of them and I'm jealous. I'm jealous just as I'm on the cusp of my bright days and perhaps my brighest days are sooner to come then theirs are, but my bright days are fewer than theirs as they have more of that precious commodity of time.

I got angry at my parents today. It's my mum's birthday. I think that's a really shitty thing for me to do. I kept saying to myself through th week: at least be nice to mum for her birthday. I fucking failed that.

I think I have a problem lately. I can't tell who my friends and who my enemies are. I treat my friends and family like my enemies and, well  my enemies are seemingly my friends and family.

I used to believe if I just wrote and wrote and wrote my soul through this blog and these words and this means of self expression, I'd find resolution in my fractured soul.

I find work helps. I find doing things, keeping a plan, organsing myself and keeping even mentally helps.

ABC PLEASE: those are the essentials.

Do you know what else helps me? Waking up early, going to bed late. Exercising lots. I was thinking about (sorry) that maslow triangle. About 80% of my attention is on the bottom parts of the triangle, but the real things that make life worthwhile are the things on the top.

I have set up a system, a tripartite schema which consists of set of values. They are named after Greco-Roman characters who I admire. Obviously, Aeneas is on the top.

In my last therapy session I said that I want to do more writing. In order to do more writing I need to do the reading. In order to do the reading I need a clean home and do all my chores. In order to do the housework and chores, I need an income. It all feeds into a consistent vision of the world.

Something that has been happening lately is that loud sounds and bright lights are distracting to me in a way that makes me less functional. I wonder if that's an autism thing. At the gym class today, the loud sounds did seem to suck away from my energy. Or perhaps that might be because I only had a veggie curry and rice for lunch at work today (no breakfast). Boy that curry was good.

I try to sleep with Spotify on and an audiobook on. That helps me keep even. I might spend the rest of the night doing that.

Before i do. I just want to say: congratulations on the promotion at work. I'm proud of you. You are now making 35 donkeys. About 9 years ago you weren't makign 3.5.