Three words to characterise my past three or so days.
1. Up
I was at a real high after achieving the aforementioned task of finishing my proposal; emailing my referees and gaining interest in my thesis. Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that last bit! The guy at belgium seems so interested at my thesis that he says its really good but he can't supervise it, but maybe co-supervise or help in some way with the application, the latter two options he really wants to do.
The supervisor seems tobe very helpful in my application and also in the administrative side of things. Supervisor1 suggested me to Supervisor2, who is an expert in exactly the area I am writing my proposal about. I emailed Supervisor two and he got very hard about my idea and said he'd want to supervise it. Supervisor1 also said if one of the research bodies don't accept me for funding we'll try other avenues. In short, it soundsl ike they want me. There is, however, some caveat stuff that I need to keep in context so as not to get too upset and disappointed:
a. this is still early stages in the application
b. My grades are bad and that is something I cannot lie about
c. They asked for a writing sample and reference letters. I gave them the former but will give them the latter upon their comments about the sample.
d. I need to keep my options open if this doesn't work
e. there are lots of people applying (I presume) and I suspect many of them are elite and better than me
2. Down
The girl I messaged ages ago on the social networking site, who hasn't replied to me saying that she was down, has now reported being in a relationship with a guy. That means that it didn't work and I failed and I am rejected. At least thats how it appears. Funny enough, a friend of mine seems to know her and told me this news initially, the social networking site where I found her then confirmed that she's off limits now. What really upsets me is that this guy is my age, but thinner, more muscular, more boyish and androgynous than me. Those are basically the reasons why I am not good enough and yet the reasons I was banking on if she were interested in me.
I feel like a PhD reject again, turned down because of the inevitable fact that someone is better than me. This was the first trigger I've had in a while (about two weeks - that reminds me [take antidepressants]). I perhaps should say less than eloquently that i had a downward moment and did not have the best wake up moment. Anyway, I will go on to the next bit before it turns into down again!
3. ¬Down, picking myself up
Waking up this morning was hard, but I remembered my affirmations, and, although my ex is now in a different kind of relationship and friendship with me, i fondly learned many things from her. It is a testament to her that I use the affirmations towards positivity. I got out of bed, after belierving in my affirmations, put on my new base layer that I feel quite attached to; smelt the perculator coffee downstairs (thanks, dad :) ) and had a couple of cups of joe. My nephew then came over with his daddy and that brough a smile to my face. We saw In the Night Garden together and spent some real bonding time together.
Now I am up, awake, and trying to get on with my day. So far I've been trying to organise myself given the past few days of distraction. Before the 'trigger' I had last night, I was making a silly montage video of my friends from the snow that was yesterday. The snow brought happiness and wetness to my heart. I wore my dad's old work overall and my arctic jacket. I was soaked but not wet. Thank three layers for that (two were wet). My mum got me another pair of uniqlo trousers which are so soft and comfy they are both jogging trousers and pajamas, and my JSA has come in to boost my humble bank balance a little more. I'm thinking of buying another base layer from TK Maxx to comfort myself (call it comfort spending or compensation of despair by means of capitalism).
Now i must focus on positives and hoping to achieve all the things that I strive for. If I do not strive, I am nothing. I must continue to strive, fight and soldier on in the snow. Onwards, onwards to russia.
1. Up
I was at a real high after achieving the aforementioned task of finishing my proposal; emailing my referees and gaining interest in my thesis. Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that last bit! The guy at belgium seems so interested at my thesis that he says its really good but he can't supervise it, but maybe co-supervise or help in some way with the application, the latter two options he really wants to do.
The supervisor seems tobe very helpful in my application and also in the administrative side of things. Supervisor1 suggested me to Supervisor2, who is an expert in exactly the area I am writing my proposal about. I emailed Supervisor two and he got very hard about my idea and said he'd want to supervise it. Supervisor1 also said if one of the research bodies don't accept me for funding we'll try other avenues. In short, it soundsl ike they want me. There is, however, some caveat stuff that I need to keep in context so as not to get too upset and disappointed:
a. this is still early stages in the application
b. My grades are bad and that is something I cannot lie about
c. They asked for a writing sample and reference letters. I gave them the former but will give them the latter upon their comments about the sample.
d. I need to keep my options open if this doesn't work
e. there are lots of people applying (I presume) and I suspect many of them are elite and better than me
2. Down
The girl I messaged ages ago on the social networking site, who hasn't replied to me saying that she was down, has now reported being in a relationship with a guy. That means that it didn't work and I failed and I am rejected. At least thats how it appears. Funny enough, a friend of mine seems to know her and told me this news initially, the social networking site where I found her then confirmed that she's off limits now. What really upsets me is that this guy is my age, but thinner, more muscular, more boyish and androgynous than me. Those are basically the reasons why I am not good enough and yet the reasons I was banking on if she were interested in me.
I feel like a PhD reject again, turned down because of the inevitable fact that someone is better than me. This was the first trigger I've had in a while (about two weeks - that reminds me [take antidepressants]). I perhaps should say less than eloquently that i had a downward moment and did not have the best wake up moment. Anyway, I will go on to the next bit before it turns into down again!
3. ¬Down, picking myself up
Waking up this morning was hard, but I remembered my affirmations, and, although my ex is now in a different kind of relationship and friendship with me, i fondly learned many things from her. It is a testament to her that I use the affirmations towards positivity. I got out of bed, after belierving in my affirmations, put on my new base layer that I feel quite attached to; smelt the perculator coffee downstairs (thanks, dad :) ) and had a couple of cups of joe. My nephew then came over with his daddy and that brough a smile to my face. We saw In the Night Garden together and spent some real bonding time together.
Now I am up, awake, and trying to get on with my day. So far I've been trying to organise myself given the past few days of distraction. Before the 'trigger' I had last night, I was making a silly montage video of my friends from the snow that was yesterday. The snow brought happiness and wetness to my heart. I wore my dad's old work overall and my arctic jacket. I was soaked but not wet. Thank three layers for that (two were wet). My mum got me another pair of uniqlo trousers which are so soft and comfy they are both jogging trousers and pajamas, and my JSA has come in to boost my humble bank balance a little more. I'm thinking of buying another base layer from TK Maxx to comfort myself (call it comfort spending or compensation of despair by means of capitalism).
Now i must focus on positives and hoping to achieve all the things that I strive for. If I do not strive, I am nothing. I must continue to strive, fight and soldier on in the snow. Onwards, onwards to russia.
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