I feel that at the moment, things are a bit shit. Here's a list:
1. Memories: I saw pictues of antonia's beautiful daughter in my computer last night, it put me to tears instantly.
2. Memories: Toast - reminds me of being in the nuthouse
3. Memories: The shirt that my sister bought for me maybe 2 years ago on christmas barely fits me. At the time, I was offended that she got a 'large' size for me. It was too big in my bulimic state.
4. Inadequacy: I realised that I am still fat, and my belly portrudes too much by standards of wearing a dress shirt. The clothes that I currently wear give the illusion of muscularity/thinness but that is just an optical trick
5. Inadequacy: I have no job, no girlfriend and I live with my parents. I am 23 and I have never had a paying job in my life.
6. Inadequacy: I've been to the nuthouse, and if I'm honest, I dont envisage any way in which I can have someone fall in love with me again. I ruined my chance and everything has turned to shit.
7. I feel like I am being torn up inside and I feel increasingly that life is futile. There is no ideal political order, no moral or spiritual order that will culminate in some eschatological vision, and the more time that passes I grow older and without a PhD. Life is excruitiatingly meaningless. I act as if it is not. But I see less and less cause to get anything done
Effects on my behaviour:
1. Insomnia
2. Lack of motivation
3. Being behind on my schedule (relates to 2.)
4. Possible gaining of weight
5. Increased feeling of low
Positives:
1. I jogged 6.5k yesterday
2. Some of my old clothes still fit (or better put, fit better now)
3. I have an interview for a PGCE
4. I have had a fairly normal girl reply to me on a social networking site. Honestly, i think it will be nice to have someone to chat to but besides that I feel like things are a touch futile on the relationship front.
5. I seem to be using up less time masturbating
6. I have gotten some concrete tasks done despite my accidie. It is not as if I have reverted to the past mindset that I used to have.
I have finished a couple of audiobooks this week, which is nice. I also seem to have a surplus of podcasts.
1. Memories: I saw pictues of antonia's beautiful daughter in my computer last night, it put me to tears instantly.
2. Memories: Toast - reminds me of being in the nuthouse
3. Memories: The shirt that my sister bought for me maybe 2 years ago on christmas barely fits me. At the time, I was offended that she got a 'large' size for me. It was too big in my bulimic state.
4. Inadequacy: I realised that I am still fat, and my belly portrudes too much by standards of wearing a dress shirt. The clothes that I currently wear give the illusion of muscularity/thinness but that is just an optical trick
5. Inadequacy: I have no job, no girlfriend and I live with my parents. I am 23 and I have never had a paying job in my life.
6. Inadequacy: I've been to the nuthouse, and if I'm honest, I dont envisage any way in which I can have someone fall in love with me again. I ruined my chance and everything has turned to shit.
7. I feel like I am being torn up inside and I feel increasingly that life is futile. There is no ideal political order, no moral or spiritual order that will culminate in some eschatological vision, and the more time that passes I grow older and without a PhD. Life is excruitiatingly meaningless. I act as if it is not. But I see less and less cause to get anything done
Effects on my behaviour:
1. Insomnia
2. Lack of motivation
3. Being behind on my schedule (relates to 2.)
4. Possible gaining of weight
5. Increased feeling of low
Positives:
1. I jogged 6.5k yesterday
2. Some of my old clothes still fit (or better put, fit better now)
3. I have an interview for a PGCE
4. I have had a fairly normal girl reply to me on a social networking site. Honestly, i think it will be nice to have someone to chat to but besides that I feel like things are a touch futile on the relationship front.
5. I seem to be using up less time masturbating
6. I have gotten some concrete tasks done despite my accidie. It is not as if I have reverted to the past mindset that I used to have.
I have finished a couple of audiobooks this week, which is nice. I also seem to have a surplus of podcasts.
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