lately, I have been immersing myself into the immanent of the current. Enjoying the sunshine, going outside, admiring the day. I need to remember how dire my situation is. A part of me feels that for a short time, I am able to sort things out. This week, I have been doing more or less all of the things that I shouldn't be doing.
I'm going to see my girlfriend later today, I can't sleep. My diet for today consisted of a tub of haagen daaz, prawn crackers and chicken balls from the chinese takeaway. Note that that was all I ate today.
It is, on the one hand, bad to live in the past. I spent 5 years learning that. On the other hand, I feel a certain escapism about immersing in the now. Enjoying all the things that are contingent of this day. I am listening to a lecture to try and make myself sleep; I have a psychological test coming up later (for renumeration).
Last week I had a moment of realisation. I realised that bulimia ate away my life. I didn't do any reading when I purged. I spent the day laying in bed, or pissing about on the computer, or looking at the screen, waiting for that girl. I've changed as a person. All of this 'waiting' has taken a lot of me as a person. Being unemployed, having no money, has made me want to isolate myself from the world and limit my oppurtunities, options and lifestyle.
I used to say to myself in late 2006: tomorrow I will start and get to work and keep myself determined and never have a day like this again where I do nothing, if I keep myself busy and work my balls off nonstop from that point on, then maybe I'll have it sorted. It was always tomorrow.
I feel like my failure was foreshadowed. I have failed in the highest degree.
Time to change
I'm going to see my girlfriend later today, I can't sleep. My diet for today consisted of a tub of haagen daaz, prawn crackers and chicken balls from the chinese takeaway. Note that that was all I ate today.
It is, on the one hand, bad to live in the past. I spent 5 years learning that. On the other hand, I feel a certain escapism about immersing in the now. Enjoying all the things that are contingent of this day. I am listening to a lecture to try and make myself sleep; I have a psychological test coming up later (for renumeration).
Last week I had a moment of realisation. I realised that bulimia ate away my life. I didn't do any reading when I purged. I spent the day laying in bed, or pissing about on the computer, or looking at the screen, waiting for that girl. I've changed as a person. All of this 'waiting' has taken a lot of me as a person. Being unemployed, having no money, has made me want to isolate myself from the world and limit my oppurtunities, options and lifestyle.
I used to say to myself in late 2006: tomorrow I will start and get to work and keep myself determined and never have a day like this again where I do nothing, if I keep myself busy and work my balls off nonstop from that point on, then maybe I'll have it sorted. It was always tomorrow.
I feel like my failure was foreshadowed. I have failed in the highest degree.
Time to change
No comments:
Post a Comment