Note to self: AVOID CANNED MEAT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR A MEAL
Last night I watched an episode of lost, which reminded me of the time I was in a mental hospital. I cried. I don't often cry, I must admit. A lot of thoughts came that night. Today I decided to myself that I shall try to make a change.
I shall try to avoid masturbating and do healthy things today.
I ate a can of spam and corned beef in the space of about 30 hours. I gained weight. I ought to stick to the vegetables a bit more. I feel too contented to not want to change. I should not be contented with my situation . I feel both envious of others yet unwilling to change. That is the bad thing about having depression or an eating disorder, you are constantly hating yourself and yet you give yourself no reason and no motivation to change yourself. It becomes all talk.
I am starting to think that when people say that one 'thinks too much' they are not quite saying that thinking is a bad thing (which I think is unequivocally incorrect), but they mean to say: you think too much and entertain so many ideas and yet you do not act on very many things. The person to whom this is told will almost certainly reply with a list of things that they have done, and yet those things are not the things that they seek out to achieve, or the things that they say they really want.
They hide in their immediate situation, their ice cream in the evening, or their weekend meet with girlfriend, away from the distant future. I'm a flawed person. My flaws are the greatestthey have ever been, and yet, I'm probably most behind my depression right now than I have ever been in 5 years.
It's time to claim back my life. NOW.
Last night I watched an episode of lost, which reminded me of the time I was in a mental hospital. I cried. I don't often cry, I must admit. A lot of thoughts came that night. Today I decided to myself that I shall try to make a change.
I shall try to avoid masturbating and do healthy things today.
I ate a can of spam and corned beef in the space of about 30 hours. I gained weight. I ought to stick to the vegetables a bit more. I feel too contented to not want to change. I should not be contented with my situation . I feel both envious of others yet unwilling to change. That is the bad thing about having depression or an eating disorder, you are constantly hating yourself and yet you give yourself no reason and no motivation to change yourself. It becomes all talk.
I am starting to think that when people say that one 'thinks too much' they are not quite saying that thinking is a bad thing (which I think is unequivocally incorrect), but they mean to say: you think too much and entertain so many ideas and yet you do not act on very many things. The person to whom this is told will almost certainly reply with a list of things that they have done, and yet those things are not the things that they seek out to achieve, or the things that they say they really want.
They hide in their immediate situation, their ice cream in the evening, or their weekend meet with girlfriend, away from the distant future. I'm a flawed person. My flaws are the greatestthey have ever been, and yet, I'm probably most behind my depression right now than I have ever been in 5 years.
It's time to claim back my life. NOW.
No comments:
Post a Comment