That is the day, last year, that I was at her birthday celebration: actually, it wasn't; it was the day before. So, I guess, today is the 1 year anniversary.
A year ago, she invited me to her birthday gathering. She said that, "...even though I know that you feel unconfortable around people, I still want to invite you to my birthday" [sic]. I felt an anxiety moment as she asked, even if it was on MSN. I went. Moriarty was there, and some guys from that university society. I wore my Levis jeans, those were the most expensive trousers I had I think they were a size 38', they were not only about to fall off my waist in virtue of my weight loss, they were also falling because, towards the end of the night, my belt broke.
I don't really wear belts anymore, I always considered wearing belts to be a fat-ism, wearing a belt for big trousers, or to hold on trousers that do not fit. Either way, trousers were not fitting, and tend not to for a belt wearer.
During the night, I met up with all of her friends, they were of the metalhead variety, except for the friends we had mutually from the university society, and her flatmates.We went to this bar which is quite popular for heavy metal, gothic, industrial, punk and other such deviant subculture music (except dance genres). At the venue there were, strangely, lots of males, lots of guys who seemed to be enamoured by her, it upset me at the time of all the guys enamoured by here, and I was no different. I thought I was because I knew of her mental torment.
Moriarty was there, and we talked a bit, and some other people as well conversed. Towards the end of the night, I discovered that only two people gave her a present, a flatmate, and myself. I bought her some books in a very expensive box, and a teddy bear. No one else made the effort to give her a gift. When I did give it to her a few days before, we cuddled in the corridor of the maths department. We cuddled a couple of times again that night, and she kissed me a few times on the cheek, repeatedly almost, as if that were the expression of herself in secret, a secret expression in a public place, to express that we had some kind of bond.
Now after all this time, I want to forget her, move on with my life. I suppose my recent feelings of lonliness spring from knowing that she is out of my life She was an awesome force; she changed me, perhaps for the good, and also for the bad. I lost a lot of friends, I find now that I must be alone. Even with a lover, I will always be isolated.
What is it that marks my isolation? Her, perhaps, or perhaps me. I said to her once, on the last time we met and talked properly, that she was almost like the mirror of me.
Antonia told me to forget about her, and in some large way, I do; but there are small lingering memories. I feel like the only way to fight this is to empower myself, she has no power over me. I must not let her have any power over my feelings, she must be nothing to me. I must eliminate all traces of that past, that tenderness, that care and love for her. Essentially, to take away a part of me, to eliminate it, to change who I am.
In a way, I feel that I could do this, and I can still remain as someone within me. To still retain a sense of myself, a sense of self, of identity, and let her go. I must empower myself, I deleted her from my MSN contacts list, and I decided not to greet her for her birthday.
I feel desparately alone, no amount of kisses, or cuddles, or sex could ever take that away. I long for tenderness, and yet, tenderness is lost. I have to focus on other things in my life. I will put everything into my PhD studies...I just hope that I get into the PhD...
I'm quite worried about it. Lots of other people my age have already started a PhD, I feel like I am behind to them; that I am not as good as other people, not as good as they are. All around me I sense disapproval, from my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends care neitehr whether I fail or succeed, if I fail, they will have something to laugh at. So maybe you will say "then maybe they aren't real friends", then I suppose, that I have only one real friend, and I do not cherish her enough. I cry as I realise how fortunate I am to have Antonia, and I feel so utterly ashamed that I put her in second place.
That is, another of my flaws, I do not pay attention to those things in life which I should consider important. For a greater goal, I always abandon those immanent and worldly things, which, while make love and life so beautiful, and make the real world, always seem to be unimportant to a higher, singular, transcendent goal. I want to be an academic. I dream of it. Please let my dreams be true, if it comes true, I will be eternally greatful and things will still be difficult, if I do not, I will be destroyed.
If I do get into the PhD; I will still feel this sense of deprivation. I need to realise that my life is wonderful as it is and although I want so much to get into the PhD; I long that things improve once more. Im greedy, I guess. I was duped by Marie. It was my failure, I have many flaws and imperfections, it makes me feel almost powerless.
Im going to enact a change to myself, I must lose more weight, perhaps I shall start purging again. I want very much to fight this darkness, this emptiness. I want to be an academic, perhaps I can lose myself in the work, perhaps the emptiness may remain, but I strive to fight these feelings. I strive to be special. I don't feel bery special, I feel like nothing.
A year ago, she invited me to her birthday gathering. She said that, "...even though I know that you feel unconfortable around people, I still want to invite you to my birthday" [sic]. I felt an anxiety moment as she asked, even if it was on MSN. I went. Moriarty was there, and some guys from that university society. I wore my Levis jeans, those were the most expensive trousers I had I think they were a size 38', they were not only about to fall off my waist in virtue of my weight loss, they were also falling because, towards the end of the night, my belt broke.
I don't really wear belts anymore, I always considered wearing belts to be a fat-ism, wearing a belt for big trousers, or to hold on trousers that do not fit. Either way, trousers were not fitting, and tend not to for a belt wearer.
During the night, I met up with all of her friends, they were of the metalhead variety, except for the friends we had mutually from the university society, and her flatmates.We went to this bar which is quite popular for heavy metal, gothic, industrial, punk and other such deviant subculture music (except dance genres). At the venue there were, strangely, lots of males, lots of guys who seemed to be enamoured by her, it upset me at the time of all the guys enamoured by here, and I was no different. I thought I was because I knew of her mental torment.
Moriarty was there, and we talked a bit, and some other people as well conversed. Towards the end of the night, I discovered that only two people gave her a present, a flatmate, and myself. I bought her some books in a very expensive box, and a teddy bear. No one else made the effort to give her a gift. When I did give it to her a few days before, we cuddled in the corridor of the maths department. We cuddled a couple of times again that night, and she kissed me a few times on the cheek, repeatedly almost, as if that were the expression of herself in secret, a secret expression in a public place, to express that we had some kind of bond.
Now after all this time, I want to forget her, move on with my life. I suppose my recent feelings of lonliness spring from knowing that she is out of my life She was an awesome force; she changed me, perhaps for the good, and also for the bad. I lost a lot of friends, I find now that I must be alone. Even with a lover, I will always be isolated.
What is it that marks my isolation? Her, perhaps, or perhaps me. I said to her once, on the last time we met and talked properly, that she was almost like the mirror of me.
Antonia told me to forget about her, and in some large way, I do; but there are small lingering memories. I feel like the only way to fight this is to empower myself, she has no power over me. I must not let her have any power over my feelings, she must be nothing to me. I must eliminate all traces of that past, that tenderness, that care and love for her. Essentially, to take away a part of me, to eliminate it, to change who I am.
In a way, I feel that I could do this, and I can still remain as someone within me. To still retain a sense of myself, a sense of self, of identity, and let her go. I must empower myself, I deleted her from my MSN contacts list, and I decided not to greet her for her birthday.
I feel desparately alone, no amount of kisses, or cuddles, or sex could ever take that away. I long for tenderness, and yet, tenderness is lost. I have to focus on other things in my life. I will put everything into my PhD studies...I just hope that I get into the PhD...
I'm quite worried about it. Lots of other people my age have already started a PhD, I feel like I am behind to them; that I am not as good as other people, not as good as they are. All around me I sense disapproval, from my parents, my brother, my sister, my friends care neitehr whether I fail or succeed, if I fail, they will have something to laugh at. So maybe you will say "then maybe they aren't real friends", then I suppose, that I have only one real friend, and I do not cherish her enough. I cry as I realise how fortunate I am to have Antonia, and I feel so utterly ashamed that I put her in second place.
That is, another of my flaws, I do not pay attention to those things in life which I should consider important. For a greater goal, I always abandon those immanent and worldly things, which, while make love and life so beautiful, and make the real world, always seem to be unimportant to a higher, singular, transcendent goal. I want to be an academic. I dream of it. Please let my dreams be true, if it comes true, I will be eternally greatful and things will still be difficult, if I do not, I will be destroyed.
If I do get into the PhD; I will still feel this sense of deprivation. I need to realise that my life is wonderful as it is and although I want so much to get into the PhD; I long that things improve once more. Im greedy, I guess. I was duped by Marie. It was my failure, I have many flaws and imperfections, it makes me feel almost powerless.
Im going to enact a change to myself, I must lose more weight, perhaps I shall start purging again. I want very much to fight this darkness, this emptiness. I want to be an academic, perhaps I can lose myself in the work, perhaps the emptiness may remain, but I strive to fight these feelings. I strive to be special. I don't feel bery special, I feel like nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment