i. Boo Hoo
ii. 'Boo Hoo'!
The first expression is a genuine sadness, a sadness that I cannot have that which I yearn for.
The latter expression is a bit of an afterthought, after all the tears; all the hurt. I realise I am just a glorified child. The child wants the attention of another, or wants an object to claim as his own. How am I, in my infatuation with Marie, in my slow decay of my integrity and my emotions, in my being reminded of her at every moment, a tall girl, a girl with dark hair, a girl with short hair, a beautiful girl...all remind me of her. Even certain songs remind me of her. How is this any different from the predicament of the child?
WIth the child; we tell her to grow up and mature and realise that what she want's she cannot have. With the adult, with me, do you tell me to grow up and stop thinking about her? Do you tell me to move on? Do you tell me 'there are other fish in the sea'?
I don't want fish. I want Marie.
I can't have her...I have to move on with what is left of life.
Maybe I should take a chastity oath; that way it gives me a goal to keep up; and to have something to aspire to in being celebate; dedicated.
Who is to blame for this whole ordeal? Me? Well, some of you might say 'don't blame yourself!'; maybe this was one of those circumstances where there are victims but no vicimisers, Like an earthquake; very often do people blame God; but where does there have to be someone intentional to blame, even when there is a great tragedy; perhaps that is some fallacious moral intuition we have. Even if there is no one to blame, even if I am not to blame for feeling this way; that I involuntarily became infatuated by her, her beauty, her charm, her inner soul...I thought I found a kindred spirit. I think she is kindred; but perhaps, too close to reality, she shut me off, just like how I do to those I care about. Sometimes similarities are undesirable.
What else has happened this week?
- Response from NHS
- Failed driving test
- Weight has gone below 200lbs
- Marie - can't stop thinking about her
- Marie- I am feeling jealousy of the prospect she will be with someone else
- Marie - I am feeling isolated without her; after opening up to her, I am again cold; alone.
- I have started reading a bit more; engaged in one of my 'big projects'; that involves a reading of a key text for my masters.
What can I hope?
- PhD prospects?
- Doing my MA
- Having a future
- Improving my depression
- Losing more weight
- [What about Marie? - those things mean nothing if I am but an empty vessell of a soul. No warm arms, no tender lips, no caring caress anyone else could ease me right now but hers. I guess, losing her means I must continue my life with a new kind of suffering; a new kind of lonliness....I need to grow up, but for now, baby needs to cry a little while...
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