A precis of my recent week

1. I got humiliated in a debate
2. My friends remind me of 1.
3. I spent the evening chatting to a lovely girl in the pub; it was a discussion group but only the two of us turned up!
4. I chatted to Marie a few times; and she told me that she also purges; she feels despair a great deal, and I told her that I think she is beautiful, I care about her, and chatting to her makes me feel better and it means a lot to me.
5. Marie talks differently in public than on MSN; she has difficulties expressing herself interpersonally and is afraid to be open.
6. I hear Claire has found another guy, good for her :)
7. I am taking a massage class, and today I did a charity event and massaged 3 people; two guys and a girl. I undid her bra strap to give her a back massage. I have never touched a girl's back before, hell, I've never touched a girl before! I loved feeling how certain parts of her body were cold, and others were warm, I loved the softness of her flesh, and the bony and hard parts, the body is a whole mix of textures, a planet of pleasure. Massaging the guys was fun too. I loved feeling their taut muscles, and making jokes with them. I use a different voice when I massage; gentle, soft, and higher pitched; friendly, comforting, safe. Massaging people (especially girls) makes me feel more confident as a person, it is not just the touching physically, but the talking; asking them how they find the pressure, putting my hands on them to express assurance, and the communication is what really helps me feel confident.
8. I gained 6lbs, then I lost 7lbs. I find that I lose weight quickly by purging, but slowly gain if I eat. Ideally I shouldn't purge, but I am trying to find the equal balance of fitness and eating; I am starting to feel sexy, I'm starting to feel like I am a sexual, male, adult being. I like it; I'm scared, but I like this new image of myself, instead of a puddle of nothing that hates himself.
9. It has been 1 week since the event-of-which-I-cannot-speak

In summary:

• I am getting closer to Marie
• I spent this evening talking to a girl about the emotions and just being myself, and non-flirty and non-hitting-on-her-ish. Just talking. I loved it!
• I massaged a sexy girl in the back and undid her bra. I was so nervous, but I love touching the female body; it is divine!