It seems, that when we hope for something, we believe that a state of affairs will obtain; this may include:
- Finding love
- Finding good health (for yourself or another)
- Finding an answer to a deliberative issue
- Finding meaning (same as above really, just restated in verstehende terms)
To hope is to believe our calamity has a point where it will be resolved. The hope for the Christian is that Jesus' act of salvation means their suffering being resolved, their dream of the afterlife will all have culmination.
I wonder what hope I have; I wonder where my future lies. Will my desires ever be obtained? I feel not; my desire to find love, my desire to find a future I can feel comfortable with? I feel a bit of a tendency to limit what I desire, or, have it not so important to me that I ever find the object of my desire. Is this even possible? Let me give piecemeal examples, perhaps.
- We can curb desires and change our habits, like overeating, or even for contrast, undereating
- We can curb addictions, albeit very difficultly
- Many people who lose the thing that they use to define themselves, sometimes (albeit difficultly) come to terms with that loss and reform their preferences and goals
Its okay to change your mind, that seems to be true in almost all cases; so long as it is on reasonable grounds.
What do I hope for? If I ask myself that right now, as I sit here in the univeristy late in the day, tired, uncomfortable, my wrists strained from typing all day, my eyes in pain, my mood, somewhat subdued, defeated, and a little residual distress from my earlier events, I answer this:
- I wish Marie would talk to me more &
- I wish I could see Marie more, even if just as a friend &
- I wish I had someone to cuddle *
- I wish I had something nice to eat
- I wish I had more confidence
- I wish I had a more attractive body
- I wish I had more stamina
- I wish I read more
- I wish I could be good enough to do a PhD
- I wish I could be an academic
Things put with [&] I do not actively seek because I don't want to pressure Marie, she is a person with intentions and desires and a will, and if my desires involve her she must be consenting to them.
Things marked with [*] I try not to seek as a matter of character. I'd feel almost insincere if I went out one day, or one night, as many to, to find someone with whom I could be close to. I don't say to myself, 'perhaps tomorrow is the day I find her'. Well, in principle I think that!
The other ones, I think I am working towards; I control my eating (sometime by purging), I do occaisional physical training, I read a lot towards my Masters. I try to push myself a bit more in social situations, take risks that in the past I wouldn't have and regretted long afterwards, like saying 'hello' to a girl, or an unknown person (gender nonspecific).
As I lose weight, my body becomes more attractive, I like seeing my skeletal features, and feeling bony parts of me. I still have a long way to go to have that body I so desire, I also have been using quite a few cosmetic products: facials, post-shave cream, anti-wrinkle cream, and the like. I think I feel comfortable in the style of clothes I wear.
I should try to be optimistic because: my body is looking better, I am making motions towards the dream of being an academic, and my confidence on occaision is better
I am as a matter of fact, feeling low, or even just numb: because Marie isn't talking that much to me, I get the distinct impression that she is ignoring me or purposely not talking to me that much; furthermore, I feel like I'm not good enough for her, and reminded, nay, brought to realisation of the reality that I will die alone, and I will always be alone. What I want most sometimes is just a cuddle, just someone to care about me and someone to think about me when I am too weak or too distressed to think about me, someone to remind me that I am still human, and that I still exist, and that I am a certain kind of person, even when I do not feel that way. Someone to touch me when I feel such despair; that I remember, that I am part of a world with other people, and I don't have to be alone. What I want most is not some noble intellectual ideal; what I want is just someone to love me (in the non romantic, but simply human sense, like how a mother loves a child).
As a corollorary point, I kind of feel sympathetic to that Fruedian notion of the oedipus complex for the said reason; not because I want to do anything sexual with my mother! But I miss that amount of love and affection she used to give me and make me feel. I miss that love I used to have; I guess I feel sometimes that I want just to be back in the womb; or how I imagine the womb, as being in a big warm vat of liquid in perfect comfort and being sustained completely by another, who loves me greatly. I admire mothers, they love their child so much, and pregnant women look HOT.
I'd so much preferr affection than any meaningless physical interaction. I guess, in answer to a comment made on a previous point, that is my fear about sexuality. I'm not really sure how I should express it! (well, there is wanking of course, but I don't need to say anything about that!; nor does it seem important to sexual identity...maybe I'll write a post on wanking in the future...). Damn, and I tried to end this post sounding serious. Its important to have a laugh once in a while. Especially with a life like mine.
Striving,
Conatus
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