Confidence

I heard from an old friend from facebook the other day; he's 17/18 now (I'm an old 21). This dude was a little tyke when I was a senior prefect in college; I was part of a group that used to be respected in the music department. This guy (lets call him Shane) was a legend; he was far better than all of us, and I thought to myself; imagine how this guy will bloom in his last year at College...now he's in that stage. I'm so proud of him. He is continuing the music life that I abandoned.

On friday, he had his last St. Cecilia's concert. I remember my St. Cecilia's concerts. I lacked confidence; and there was a point towards the end of my music life when I gained confidence at performing; but I didn't have confidence with girls!

Recently, I have been a little bit more confident; I am doing things that I thought were impossible for a guy like me. I get text messages from girls, talk to girls, I went on a couple of dates, and I even am helpful and supportive to people. I feel a real sense of connection with people, or at least sometimes, before my depression eats me up.

I think I am able to be myself a little more; I'm a little shy, but I don't want to be too imposing or forward with the opposite sex; be polite, listen to them, and be friendly. I really don't like flirting. I should avoid it entirely! Men are just women with penises who can't have babies (they do have boobs like women...).

I hope my confidence grows; but I think I will remain alone in life. What I want most these days is a big cuddle with someone, where I fall asleep in their arms, and feel comfort in their touch. My sexual desire has gone down a bit with my medication, and after reading so much. I am kind of scared of sexuality. I think its better I stay a virgin and never be in a relationship. I guess I'm the kind of loser guy who can't find a girl, anyway.

In other news; I am starting to work hard at my graduate degree, and I am starting to like my changing body.

Yours,
Conatus