Dear diary.

The past few days have been very difficult and I realise that each difficult day for me needs a 2-3 day buffer which I did not have and will not have. 

Today iw Thursday 30th June. I'm going to a pride network party in the evening, at midday I'm going to a committee meeting

Wednesday was 29th June. 'Not safe to be me' conference. I met some activist friends. I have activist friends now

Tuesday was 28th June. D&I industry meeting plus social after. I went to Jollibee in leicester square and it was stressful as I waited 90 minutes for an order they didn't have on their system. That online booking kiosk thing is fucking useless. 

Monday was 27th June I got my phone and I had to have some security things to do with it. It was v stressful and its fair to say I've put off getting a new phone for a year because of cost and other issues.

Sunday was a day I spontaneously decided to visit a friend in Cambridgeshire. 26th June. First time I've been out of London since maybe Bristol. The day in Watford didn't count. 

Saturday 25th June: I was so exhausted I spent all day resting. Then I decided spontaneously to go and see Top Gun. 

Friday 24th June: Awards event. Also stressful at work. V exhausting and I had some conversations I wasn't prepared for

Thurday 23 June. Difficult conversations at work

Wednesday 22 June - can't remember that far, but probs a lot of pre-planning for Thursday

Monday 20 June - something important I had to do for finances that I've been putting off and it is stressing me out Tuesday 21 meant I had a completely down day of recovery 

Let's say with each of those days I need 3 days recovery. That meant

Monday 20 June was highly stressful and so needed 3 days recovery

Tuesday 21 June was Day 1 of recovery

Wednesday 22 June was day 2 of recovery

Thursday 23 June was day 3 of recovery (Monday) and a new thing to get exhausted about

Friday 24 June was day 1 of the difficult Thursday recovery, plus a whole new set of issues and events that socially drained me

Saturday 25 June was day 2 of the Thursday incident, Day 1 after the awards. I was focussing on recovery and stuck in bed and then went to the cinema spontaneously, that was a bit healing but still made me tired

Sunday 26 June. Day 3 of the thursday incident; Day 2 of the awards; Day 1 after the spontaneous socialising. PLUS a new socialising event. It was nice and relaxing but It meant I was behind on administrative things

Monday 27 June. Day 3 after awards. Day 2 after top gun, day 1 after cambridgeshire date. Also phone ordeal

Tuesday 28 June. Day 3 after top gun, Day 2 after cambridgshire day, day 1 after phone installation. Also a lot of socialising so a new event to recover from

Wednesday 29 June (getting close to present day: Day 3 after cambridgeshire day. Day 2 after phone. Day 1 after Tuesday socialising. Also: Went to a protest and felt very upset 

Thursday 30: A social event today plus a stressful meeting. Day 1 after Wednesday protest. Day 3 after Phone, Day 2 after Tuesday socialising and meeting.

Friday 1 July: Invited to another networking event. Day 1 after Thursday party Day 2 after Wednesday Protest. Day 3 after Tuesday socialising

Saturday 2 July: Pride all day event. Exhausting still and I still need to recover from: Day 1 after Friday even, Day 2 after Thursday party. Day 3 after Wednesday protest.

Sunday 3 July: The day I need to catch up on things. Day 1 after pride, Day 2 after Friday event, Day 3 after Thursday party. Probably still recovering from previous events too.

When I model it in this way, I need to consider creating a new heuristic to accomodate recovery from social and high stress events. 

Also when I think about the events in this way. It rationalises how overwhelming things are for me. I need desperately to rationalise what's going on with me or I'll spiral in a bad way.