My hopes for the future. 

My mum's birthday was last week. My sister and brother's family got her a birthday cake. The women of those families are very keen on baking, and they very much enjoy the act of baking and preparing and giving. I think it's a cultural norm around hospitality.

I mention this because one of my friends who is a mum, will one day eventually be one of those British mums who loves baking. Or so I keep teasing her. There's a degree in which one can see their future. It's especially visible when someone has a stable job, a permanent base camp and other kinds of stability.

What are my hopes for the future? More stability.

I'm glad that I have a full time job with a pension. T doesnt have that right now. I have health insurance from work, I even have dental. It's a proper corporate job. I'm even allowed to work from home. But why am I still struggling to live in London? In the news this week, Boris Johnson said he's struggling financially with his salary of 300k. People pointed out how the median salary in the UK is 31k. It feels deeply insulting. Also in recent days, it was pointed out how tenants in flats do not have any protection when their land lease owners want to upgrade the cladding of their buildings, putting people thousands of pounds or hundreds of thousands of pounds out of pocket. The government voted for this. What a shocking discovery.

How do I exist in a world this hostile? Perhaps to make more money? I think the realpolitic would be to get a higher earning job. 50k sounds good. I don't think that's realistic. I could possibly get to 36k or 37k in a couple of years, but I can't skip by 10k or so on. 

On Sunday (earlier today as I see it), I went out to a restaurant. I met with friends. One guy has a new girlfriend. The new girlfriend is nice. It's nice to see him happy. Everything seems more grown up now. I remember my brother's now wife, they got together about 11 or 12 years ago. I didn't know her well, but when we went out to social functions where she didn't know more of the people. I became the familiar person to her. I still don't know her too well. Shes family now. Not by choice.

I don't feel like I am for this world. Perhaps I will venture inward. I feel like if I just focus on my Aeneas Schema and Achilleus schema goals. I just wish...it were different.

If I want it to be different, I need to do the work, don't I. 

Let's just think about the immediate tasks in front of me. I have some PDFs to read; some magazines on my left, and some regular google keep tasks to clear. Perhaps that's enough. It was enough for me last night.

I'm sorry I need to stop writing now. I don't feel like I'm being authentically expressive of my true feelings right now and I feel worn out mentally to not be able to get these words out.