When I was 17 I began to find a new part of myself: I became smart. I was never good in school. By the time GCSEs came about, I was middling-average - about good enough to do A levels (5 As-Cs). When I did 'A' Levels, I started to get 100% in exams.

It became a part of my identity, and it didn't last after the first year of university.

(Just suddenly writing that has made me distressed - I originally had a post that I was going to write about but now I'm not sure I want to write about it. I'll try anyway)

I'm thinking about that because earlier today I've been having some flashbacks. When I am training in the gym, if I push myself a certain amount of intensity, my mind goes inside itself. I wonder if it's some kind of psychological/evolutionary thing. My mind starts to ruminate or go to dark places.

I had a memory.

It was 2004. October I think. Just before week 1 of university's first year first semester and so forth. Michaelmas or some shit.

I was wearing my brother's hooded top. It was brown like a jumper (no zip and a monk like hood. I wore it as a form of comfort as I didn't really feel like a grown up in this unfamiliar new world. Having something of his felt like a sense of continuity.

Anyway I was wearing it, feeling monk like in the big university hall and it felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I was full of hope.

An odd memory. But when I think about it, I think about how in my present life I can react differently to it. I think about how I was destined for greater things. For many years after that, my life felt like disappointment. But in the past few years, I'm doing work in a place that really impacts on the world. Not only that. I'm permanent staff.