About 20 minutes ago I had an idea.

I've been watching the channel 4 show 'This way up'.

I realised that at 1:20 or so in the morning. I am fully in myself and with myself. I am fully on my own and with my own thoughts.

So, what did I think? I thought about how I avoid this so much: I avoid being with my real thoughts and fears. I have a routine that helps me be a normal functioning human being. While that's necessary, I'm isolated from my own ends (intentions).

I looked around my room and I realised the finitude of time, my time, and my life. I decided on the spot to get rid of 20 books. I ended up getting rid of 23. As I was going through the books. I realised that each book I took from work (I get freebie publishing books cos I work in a newspaper) had an intention for me to read them. They each represented some form of self learning and self improvement.

I decided there are a core of books I really need to keep, and the rest, I can dispose of.

I then saw that there are some ties on my wardrobe handle. They represent a time when I believed that I needed to hae immediately accessible ties and bow ties. One of the ties was the company tie for Shambly arena. I realised: I'm never going to work there again, so why bother having that on the handle of my wardrobe. I also thought about the frequency in which I wear suits. I am not in a suit-y mood anymore at this stage in life.

Don't get me wrong, I have a default smart outfit and it's like a psyche I have. But I'm not that person right now and until I need it, I don't need those ties and suits out on display for immediate drawing to wear them.

I have a tie rack inside my wardrobe. I properly held the ties in the tie rack now. That's the grown up thing I suppose. I also got rid of 20 books (at 1:30) in the summer coldness outside.

It's not the latest I've been outside, but the quiet made it feel late.

I'm letting go. I have been holding on to things, and I realise I'm holding on to more things that I need to eventually let go of.

I need to let go of a certain selfhood.

I need to accept change.