I'm up late, part of some prep work I need to do for the coming week.

I've had a tough week.

I think it is important to accept my vulnerabity. Things at work had stressed me out, made me feel unwelcome and tested me in terms of ability, patience, level headedness and that thing inside that contains star dust. I feel like I've expended my star dust/spoons in a way I might not get back again.

I found out that my boss is on sick leave for mental health grounds. It's because senior editors are giving him shit. Bossman is standing his ground and they are bullying him for it. In other positive news: my best friends are having a baby, and Bossman's deputy is also having a baby. Both are due in 2020.

I had to speak to the director of HR to express a grievance. The director of HR was very friendly and took things in a very amicable way. The Director of HR was not happy that a private email was disclosed to her.

WIth two people my age that I know who are pregnant. I am beginning to think to myself if I'm achieving my proper amount in life.

This Saturday I met up with 'the boys'. We had a really good time. One of 'the boys' is moving flat, another is trying to buy one (as am I) and another of 'the boys' was not invited because he's a liability and not an asset.

I want to be more vulnerable and admit something: I think my masturbating is a problem. I'm masturbating and looking at sexy videos too much. It's impacting on my ability to function as a human being. I need to cut it down to like 3 times a week, not 4 times a day.

I think the problem is that masturbation (and junk food eating) are forms of self soothing and I am not sure how to self sooth because according to my professional support, my mum worked full time and I was not given the attention that I needed and that's why I have aspergers.

I was looking at an 'on this day' for a day last week: in 2010 was Charles's funeral. He died at the age of 32-33, my age basically. Charles died and it left a gap in my life and in that of our family. Charles had some problems in his life, but we didn't expect he'd die. Two years later Aunty Irene died. It's utterly utterly tragic.


In 2011 I gave a philosophy talk for an art gallery. It was filmed, it was probably the last time I wore a philosophy hat. People still ask me like in the party this saturday: do you still want to do a PhD?

Do I still want to do a PhD?
Yes
What are you doing about it?
Uhm...

In 2019: I spoke to the director of HR to express a greivance. I'm a senior editorial assistant for several sections of a newspaper and magazines. I make about the median of my frienship group - lower end if you count the bankers. But everyone's salary is skewed with the bankers.

Anyway.
back to work.