A beautiful body

If you want it bad enough, you can get it. 16 days ago, I decided, I want it! I want it badly. I will do anything to get it, and I believe it can happen, I can have it. I now have hope, and I don't want you to take that from me. Taking hope from a person is like removing truth from mathematics.

What is this thing I want? Beauty. I want a better body. I hate my current body. I hate it with a passion. It is as if I take all the thing that are bad about my life and take it unto one thing, that all my anger and fears and objects of anxiety conflate to one (false) idol, one object. My body.

I know its not the answer to all the problems, I need more confidence, I need to be more assertive and studious. But a better body is one thing I can do while I build on all those other things. If I have a better body then maybe a girl will like me and I will feel good about myself, and not feel stigmatised for my involuntary celebacy. I won't be a loser anymore. I still have a lot of work to do...

Today I purged:

1. Roast chicken
2. Gravy
3. Cola
4. Potatoes
5. Apple bramble
6. mixed vegetables
7. Croissant

I'm a calorie whore, and now I want to be calorie celebate. I purge for the dream of a better body. I feel that in purging, that I express in one action, the hatred I have for myself, the self-contempt for my failings, my weakness, my inadequacy.