Bracelets

 Since October MCM (Comicon) I started wearing a bracelet. I went to this LGBTQ+ stall at comicon and I saw they had these stimming bracelets (for autism) and one was in genderfluid flag colours. I decided it was an amazing thing and it felt like it was meaningful to me.

I want to talk about Jewlerry. Today (7th January) I'm reading a supplement about watches. I used to say, and perhaps I still do, I don't Jewelery. Jewellery feels like something you can lose easily and I dont understand the meaning of jewellery. I remember in school I'd see people with plasticky cheap jewelery and it felt like if that was some personal expression it seems cheap. If you wear something that's cheap it is a statement about you, was how I saw it. If I ever wore something it would mean something to me. 

I got into watches. Watches I could afford or aspired or saved up to afford. When I was 11 or 12, in year 7, I saved up for a Seiko automatic. I think it must have been £40 and it took me weeks to save up. Then in year 10 I got a seiko kinetic and that was mabt £70 or £80. It meant so much to me and people would joke how I was into automatic powered watches. I have a Tissot watch from my brother in law. Matt got it for me and gave it to me on his wedding day. Matt's wedding was on the 7th July 2007, 3 days before my 21st birthday. It was a 21st birthday gift, also I did loads of favours for my sister and brother in law before their wedding. I used to house sit for them for days while they received all sorts of weird stuff in the mail. This was an era before Amazon prime and professional delivery services, so when something didn't arrive it was really hard to get to a depot. That watch still means something in that sense. I also have a Seiko Sportura which I think cost about £350 in 2009, i think by today's standards that's more like £500. 

I used to like wearing those masculine watches until I got into smartwatches. I do quite like my smartwath. I have a pink watch strap. I like wearing pink. Anyway all of this is a distraction I wanted to talk about bracelets. 

I had this bracelet in October. I ended up losing it in November. I got really distressed when I lost it. I'll explain why. I felt when it was gone I didn't have anything that said 'genderfluid'. Sometimes I feel very much located in my masculinity and a man, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go for so long as a man I worry all those things I felt as Mia were never real, or like some fundamental part of me is gone. 

In the context of where I work, the politics and society of transphobia, I feel like my bracelet is my ownly form of exprssion. When I lost it, I was looking on Etsy for a new one. I didn't find one but I saw one in the flag colours for the bi flag and I asked the vendor if I could have a custom made one. I explained to the vendor how wearing that bracelet is my only current form of expression and I dont think people will approve if they really knew what I was feeling inside, they made a custom bracelet for me and I was happy to receive it. They were happy to make it. I still have it to this day. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is my mind changed. When I was in primay school seeing those people with the cheap bracelets. I feel like I'm allowing myself to enjoy what they did. It's not the price or even the quality of the materials, but I feel like I understand what the meaning was, its' their self expression